Ronin Shoreleave Archive

USS Ronin
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These are the shoreleave logs of the starship Ronin. Her mission: to explore long bouts of inebriation, to seek out reasons to cry and pout, to boldly go where no drunk ensign has gone before.

Shoreleave Log, Stardate 238411.29:

by Lt. Jackford B. Kolk

At the beginning of leave, a few people went shopping: Ensign Valis bought a baby grand piano and a violin (just like Sherlock Holmes'!) and Kolk took Parker to the Promenade on an anti-grav cart. Later in the Twilight's Edge, Walker and Adair got married, Wilde considered killing Kolk, Ehlanii asked Rogers to guard Kolk, Quay got upset because she wasn't asked to do it, Mar told Kolk to watch out and sidetracked Wilde just after a floosy woman tried to flirt with him and failed miserably. In another bar, a drunk man bemoaned Adair's unavailability by spouting lines from Shakespeare to the chagrin of his friend Yorik. A cat named Max (owned by Jarod Kolk) snuck onto the Ronin, got some milk (or was it something else?) and then made his way to the bridge to take over the galaxy. Back at the wedding, Quay ran off, Ehlanii followed, they briefly argued, then Thelev followed. Quay ran off again, Thelev followed her but got distracted by our new bartender Sarion. Kassa (the humanoid) tricked Quay (the symbiont), and then the joined pair ran into Rogers after the wedding and talked the night away to start the next day off with a kiss. While they were doing that, Brice and Ehlanii slipped out and had a romp on the station's nature deck. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, (er, I mean in Twilight's Edge), the wedding was nearly averted by Max starting a Red Alert in the Captain's Chair of the Ronin, but Walker chose to shirk his duty and pick the woman over his crew (the bastard), Parker and Kolk chatted with the comers and goers until only Reed was left, and then they left her too. On the Ronin, Wilde collapsed on the bridge, got beamed to sickbay and went completely mad because the little Borg toy in his neck decided to pump him full of vindictive I-want-to-kill-Kolk nanites. Satscher pulled out some of the little Kolk-haters and played science tricks on them for the rest of the leave. Parker wanted Kolk to take her on a romp through the nature deck (or something like) but he was busy going insane, so he dropped her off at her quarters, started a fight with her, and ran off to hide under his desk instead.

The next morning, while Quay and Rogers were swapping spit, Maria made Kolk a nice breakfast and placed it next to him under the desk with a note. Kolk missed breakfast with Thelev and Parker, but Jhen missed it too and Parker didn't bother going because who wants to have breakfast with an insane, insensitive, I-want-to-be-Captain type when you can stay in bed? Instead, he called Ehlanii, who was having breakfast with Reed, and scheduled an emergency counseling session. Before the session, Reed pumped Ehlanii for details about her impromptu date with Brice, discovering what she'd feared: Ehlanii didn't know about the wee one, Matthew Hollenbricedaleson. Kolk then got his head shrunk by Ehlanii while Reed scheduled dinner with Brice and Ehlanii, planning to stand them both up so they'd fall in love and make everyone feel sappy. Reed's evil plan worked, but not before Kolk realized he missed his mum and didn't want all his friends to die and, after that epiphany, ran off to the holosuites to play Captain Kolk of the USS Enterprise (NCC-1701) and wrestle Kirk-style with an Atollian Fangor Beast. Quay and Brice also had breakfast, where they each nearly found out that the other had met a special someone the night before. Then Mar threw a small briefing party for Thelev, Brice, and Wayfel (the token Andorian NPC who makes sure Thelev doesn't think he's the token) and told them that it was a bring-your-own-supplies-to-last-us-ten-years party, so they had to leave and get the supplies. Brice called Kolk and asked his input on how best to do it, and Kolk said, "Let's get the important stuff," to which Brice said, "Why didn't I think of that?"

After the shore-leave duty-shift (that's where everyone volunteers to have fun working instead of relaxing on their week off because we're in Starfleet and go insane if we're not at work) was over, Brice and Ehlanii got to know each other in the Double Shot and then in a forest created by Brice in the holosuites while ostensibly waiting for Reed to show up. Quay and Rogers had a romp that landed them between the sheets, and Kolk and Parker batted it out because Brice (during the shore-leave duty-shift, that is) advised him to let Addy decide whether she wanted the hassle of loving despite the fickleness of Starfleet. She didn't, and much crying and pouting ensued. Speaking of Starfleet's fickleness, Adair found out that Starfleet didn't want her and Walker to have a honeymoon and much crying and pouting ensued there too. On the bridge, Synak accused the Security Department of having too much fraternization and not enough discipline, so Maria told her to try jogging around the ship with Quay and Rogers. (Internally, we all know that Synak was crying and pouting as well, but she's a Vulcan so she'll never admit it.) Meanwhile in the Security Offices, Rogers and Quay worked out how much they still love each other even though Rogers didn't stop the other officers from gossiping about the two of them.

At some point in the week/two days between the wedding and the briefing, Ehlanii met the wee Matthew Hollenbricedaleson, unbeknownst to Brice, because Hollendale came looking for counseling about whether or not she should marry her own NPC, Benton, who may or may not end up wanting to kill Hollenbricedaleson because the wee lad is too much like Benton's perceived rival, Brice. Thelev and Kolk had breakfast in the Double Shot and chatted about how Kolk was flipping his lid and Valis was falling for Thelev. Meanwhile, Valis was in counseling with Ehlanii talking about how she'd had a meditation-induced vision where Thelev challenged her to kal-if-fee (you know, the violent part of the Pon Farr). Ehlanii told Valis she should hang out with the guy more (and possible get couples therapy with him), and then got ready to go to a French restaurant and to Notre Dame Cathedral with Brice. Also, Hollendale tried to cheer Walker up by asking him to break the law to help her save her Vulcan friend/father-type-person's daughter and threatening to run away if he wouldn't, and Quay asked Rogers to move in with her.

And then there was the briefing: Walker came early to give Mar the Spanish Inquisition about Adair's transfer, but female Wilde interrupted and then the troops rolled in. Mar promoted Rogers, Kolk, Thelev, and Adair-Walker (in that order, even though it's not alphabetical), and messed with the roster (because it's the most fun thing to do in the whole wide world). Just as everyone was about to kill her for forgetting someone whom she'd just promoted (i.e. Adair-Walker), Admiral Anassasi strolled in, greeted everyone, got run over by Sarion's goodies cart, promoted Mar to Captain, and explained that she'd be trading our Adair, Ronan Tully CMO/CSO card for her Satscher MO card and a week's worth of peanuts. Rogers tried to toss Sarion to the curb, but Mar saved the day. Everyone cheered at the Captain's captaincy and generally made a mockery of the briefing room, then promptly forgot that the Admiral even existed. Finally Mar told us we were going to be playing Gorn Border Cops and assigned Thelev to two teams because blue people are like two people, and the Briefing Inquisition ensued.

Shoreleave Log, Stardate 238501.31:

by Lt. Jackford B. Kolk

Although not necessarily a full shoreleave, the crew of the USS Ronin leaped full speed (Warp 9, to be exact--alright, so the Ronin could go faster given that Lt. Kolk had logged a top speed of Warp 9.9 the first time Cpt. Mar had entrusted the ship to his command, but let's be honest: we wouldn't want to seem too eager to get off work and join a party, would we?) toward a well-planned, tri-ship award/promotion ceremony aboard the USS Ursa Major in orbit of Wheeler Colony. To our credit, the true fun could never have begun without us; they even needed our fighters to give that extra bit of flare to the ceremony.

The (secretly) ex-pirate Ensign, Mr. Shepard got promoted to Lieutenant J.G., while the (openly) ex-pirate Alandra Deveraux wasn't even invited (that's prejudice for you). The insanely versatile Tactical Counseling Diplomatic Catering Officer, Ensign Ehlanii also got promoted to J.G., but we all saw that one coming. No one with four jobs in 1.3 missions is going to stay at the bottom wrung for long, unless the Captain wants to appear heartless. The irresistible, yet amazingly perpetually single, Lt. Commander Maria was awarded the Nebula bar, perhaps for her nebulously undefinable ability to attract and yet elude her fellow officers. Lt. Commander Walker received the Kalendra Award for being exceptionally devious (especially in his ability to evade a honeymoon). Lt. Commander Wilde was honored with the Sheathed Sword in recognition of previously being honored with the gift of unrecognizably roasted limbs by the lovable (but never to be trusted) 'Evil' Kolk and thus being out of commission for several months. Lt. Adair-Walker was awarded the B-Plot Award for having miraculously managed to have a life, on another starship no less, despite having yolked herself to the exceptionally devious Lt. Commander Walker. Lt. Brice was awarded the Order of Starfleet Merit and Achievement, First Class for being an all around swell guy (What? You think I'm gonna bash my boss? He could throw me inside the Warp Core and start it up! ...besides he also writes for Ens. Reed, and she's hot! Wouldn't want to ruin my chances...). Lt. Kolk (that's me) received the Neellix Award for having the astounding ability to be eminently likable despite having the ugliest looking head in the universe--oh wait, sorry; I was thinking of the guy they named it after. Lt. Thelev received the Purple Star because well... he misses his blue toes and needed something to distract him from their loss. Lt. J.G. Parker received the Order of Starfleet Merit and Achievement, Second Class for having the good sense to dump me and run. And, finally, Lt. J.G. Rogers received the Barclay Bead for finding the time to improve the quality of his written reports while still managing to keep up with his obligatory shooting matches with hostile aliens.

Once all those shiny, colored things were handed out, we got to sit down and the other two ships had a turn, but don't ask me to tell you what they got because, well... to be honest, I fell asleep. But then our fighters streaked past the open shuttlebay doors (you'd think that was a safety hazard, wouldn't ya?) and startled me back to consciousness allowing me to instantly join everyone else in clapping.

And then there was the after-party. There were, of course, congratulations galore, and by the end everyone pretty much wanted to shove the next person who congratulated them into the bat'leth of an angry Klingon, but we'll ignore that bit because it's basically par for the course... Plus we're all upstanding goody-two-shoes Starfleet Officers who'd never do anything as un-regulation as that. (Riiiiiiight...)

It all began with an old love song sung by Dr. Calhan from the USS Ursa Major, during which Lt. Brice danced with J.G. Ehlanii (boxing gloves off), at least until they decided to mingle with Brice's friends. Brice introduced her to LtCmdr. Walker and his newish bride (married a while but torn apart before their honeymoon by the heartless monster that is Starfleet's bureaucracy), Lt. Adair-Walker (formerly, and still occasionally, known as Adair). The girls laughed, the boys chatted, and LtCmdr. Walker tried to decide whether Ehlanii should die for dating his best friend (he's very possessive). Lt. Kolk thanked LtCmdr. Maria for playing ghost-sister to him by nearly crying all over her table and asking her to dance. The Lt. then switched to anger-mode upon seeing Ens. Reed and promptly ordered her to dance with him... angrily. They battled briefly, words flying, and then... fell in love. Or did they? (Tune in next time for the exciting conclusion!). After being left baffled on the dance floor, Lt. Kolk went to the bar, where Lt. Brice asked him to dance. Brice's hopes of dancing with his ACEy-yO were thwarted when Lt. Banks from the Ursa answered his call to the dance floor instead of Kolk. Kolk then took a moment to commiserate about his lonely state with an Independence officer, Lt. Cruise, until Lt. Ventu came over looking for a dance partner. Kolk foisted the recently betrothed Ventu onto the unsuspecting Cruise while J.G. Ehlanii, technically Brice's date, danced with another Engineer, J.G. Sharpe, ACEy-yO of the Indy (boxing gloves on). Brice broke free of Banks, Ehlanii gracefully excused herself from Sharpe, and the two danced happily ever after (boxing gloves off). Meanwhile LtCmdr. Maria joined the congratulations crowd, getting lost in it for a while and growing an empathic headache (much like a Chia-Pet) until Walker "saved her" by tossing her, unarmed, at the ravenous Ambassador Joanna Wilde. Brice and Ehlanii went back to dancing, but were interrupted by a strange telepathic human of mysterious background and then by the Ambassador. Ehlanii (boxing gloves on) shook the Mystery Man's, Captain Gersh Nathan's, hand and was nonetheless exposed to his disturbing psyche (Haliians are touch-telepathic, you know). The Ursa crew saved the cute couple from the Ambassador, and Mystery Man moved on, leaving them to dance again (boxing gloves off). While all this was going on, Adair(-Walker) poured synthehol into a plant to replace it with real Scotch, used that to get a Vulcan (Lt. Salak) drunk, and picked a fight with an Andorian (Lt. Thelev). Thelev took the honorable path and ducked out of the fight... by stealing her flask and running. He tossed the flask away to distract her, but Lt. Kolk didn't think that was a good enough diversion, so he snatched it, called to the Scot, and emptied it into the same plant as the synthehol (lucky plant). Outside in the hallway, Capt. Mar and LtCmdr. Wilde had a brief chat with Thelev until Kolk came running by warning of the ensuing Scottish invasion and whisking the Andorian away. Wilde and Mar laughed at the young men and went about their merry way. Adair(-Walker?) cornered the the other two and Kolk had them all (Lts. Adair, Kolk, & Thelev) beamed to the Double Shot (that's on the Ronin) where he stole the Scot some Scotch and the three became fast friends (he may have also bribed her with the promise of a few more cases from Earth). The three Lts. returned to the Ursa where LtCmdr. Maria was being hit on by Lt. Cruise of the Indy while she tried to go home. Jhen saved the day, which left Kolk to dance with Adair, but she was soon beamed to a private holosuite on the Ronin to enjoy her, ahem, "Walkerdom". While Kolk played Kirk, wooing ladies left and right till night was day, Ehlanii and Brice finished the evening in his quarters getting splashed with water by his spawn, Baby Hollenbricedaleson.

Shoreleave Log, Stardate 238505.20:

by Lt. Jackford B. Kolk

On their way home from the far end of the galaxy, someone sneezed and the Ronin fell apart, thus forcing the crew to step out of Roddenberry's masterpiece and into Frank Herbert's. Luckily they got to take their technology with them... and the Worms, which our friends from the Ronin called Land Sharks, didn't mind one bit. They found the crew just as tasty as they would've been without it. After about a day of dismemberment, weeping, and nashing of teeth, they learned that the local worms didn't like water much, so Lt. Kolk rigged a giant water-cannon from replicator bits and a spare impulse injection manifold. Lt.J.G. Illium also set up a bunch of spiffy Shark-Stopper things around the makeshift camp, but they weren't as much fun to play with as the giant squirt gun.

After being saved from the surface of Dune - err, I mean ::cough:: Rakis - by a group of Ferengi who had been trying to steal the Ronin, the gallant (and now 10% dead) crew soon became a bit more bored and frustrated than gallant (though just as dead). But that's okay, they were just being towed to DS17 in a ship that could barely handle warp three without groaning and crumbling miserably to the aethers. To celebrate their miserable state, they threw a party in the Double Shot on the way to DS17, at which time Lt. Brice conspired to give Lt. Kolk the pleasure of promoting Ens. Reed to Lt.J.G. Then, on the long trip to Earth for more extensive repairs than DS17 could give, several of the crew got their heads shrunk by Lt.J.G. Ehlanii, others were killed on stage in the Scottish play (the Counselor figured, "We've just watched 1/10th of our number killed for real; I think now would be a good time to remind us of our mortality with a dark, bloody play that sometimes gets its actors killed"... yup, that's why we consider her the best counselor in the fleet!)

Upon reaching Earth, some crewmembers actually found time to relax - Lt.J.G. Rogers tried to woo Sarion, but merely wound up flashing a nun (and I don't mean with lights); Lt. Kolk showed Lt.J.G. Reed around Seattle, but the French-speaking Brit-femme disappeared more than once to rendezvous with her an old flame to whom she was secretly betrothed - but before long the senior staff were forced to endure yet another wedding ceremony - this time that of Captain Mar and LtCmdr. Wilde - followed by a rather stressful investigation of the bride's near-immediate disappearance. (Any speculation that the honeymoon was short-lived and possibly the worst in the history of the Federation is, at best, an understatement.) As it turns out, LtCmdr. Wilde's alternate universe counterpart (Alt. Wilde for short) kidnapped Captain Mar and the real LtCmdr. Wilde, ran off to France and tried to lull her into thinking he was the real Wilde by drugging her. Like all villains, however, he made one fatal mistake: he told the senior staff all about his evil plan before leaving... and trusted Evil Kolk to carry it out. Okay, two fatal mistakes: he told them his plan and trusted Evil Kolk... and let Mar get close enough to correct Wilde for him to clear her head with Borg nanites. Okay, three fatal mistakes... Anyway, some of the crew chased Alt. Wilde, others chased Evil Kolk, Evil Kolk chased Alt. Wilde, and Ens. Trell wrestled Lt.J.G. Valis for Lt. Thelev's love. Er... scratch that last part.

Meanwhile, back at the Fleetyards...

Some random group of mercenaries, including a single Gorn, attempted to steal the Ronin for their own neffarious purposes, but a small group of Roninites (including Ens. Trell actually) struggled against them. The sweet, young, Andorian (i.e. Trell) managed to knock out the Warp Core just as the USS Arthur Royale swooped in to save the day, per Starfleet orders of course. Oddly enough, before any one officially involved in stopping the mercs accomplished anything, Evil Kolk flew by in his stolen shuttle, the SS Idril Mar, and beamed most of the Gorn merc off the ship. Yes, that said "most" of him. A bit here, a bit there, a grousomely severed head in Lt. Kolk's quarters... But we're getting ahead of our selves:

A bit before all that, in France, Evil Kolk caught up with Alt. Wilde just before the team that was chasing him, a surprise Alternate Thelev convinced Evil Kolk to leave Alt. Wilde behind and fly off in the man's private shuttle (after beating him profusely, of course). Once Evil Kolk had gone to technologically dismember the Gorn and plunder the galaxy, Alt. Thelev revealed that he was in fact working solely for Alt. Wilde and convinced the man to give Captain Mar back to her crew... Alt. Wilde obligingly shot her up with more Borg nanites, died a crumbly ACD death, and then Alt. Thelev blew the two of them up to save the universe-natives from having to clean him up off the floor.

Once all that had been sorted out, everyone met back at the Wilde Estate and had a couple quiet weeks of rehab and relaxation. Lt. Brice moped about after having been crushed under a chandaleer. Lt. Kolk ran off to a pub in Oxford and got himself wasted and paranoid for a day. Cmdr. Walker got his head shrunk by LtCmdr. Maria, who later impressed Lt.J.G. Rogers with her tree-floating abilities (she's quite the little ninja, actually). Sarion flirted with Lt.J.G. Rogers a bit, but he was unable to set up a date with her, unlike Lt. Kolk who sweet-talked his way into a chess date once they were back on the Ronin. However, when that time arrived, They were all stunned to learn that their Captain had been quarantined at Starfleet Medical and replaced by a Southern interloper... (Oooo, left you with a cliff-hanger...)

...

Oh yeah, and Lt. Kolk finally came face-to-face with Evil Kolk's special gift... and promptly asked Lt. Thelev if he could have new quarters.

Shoreleave Log, Stardate 238602.12:

by LtCmdr. Jackford B. Kolk

In those dark days when Captain Walker was still a Commander, and the crew of the Ronin was broken by rankor and infighting...

When the wounds of the late mission to Layte were still late in healing, and the nigh-deadly consequences of LtJG Shepard's hidden ailment were fresh on everyone's mind...

When the reports were still being written and the Engineers hadn't yet begun to upgrade the Dilithium Articulation Frame...

Just then, a brave new day dawned! A celebration would be had in the Holodecks of Deep Space 17: the grievances of old would be forgot, and the synthetic alcohol would soften the brains of all!

So basically, here's how it went down: There was a big celebration where two people got promoted, and two people got awards. Then everyone went off to their own quarters and disappeared... Poopy heads.

The End.

...

Oh... so you want details now? ... I glare at thee.

...

Cmdr. Walker announced that Lts. Cruise and Kolk would be stripped of their Lieutenanterishnesses and clepped "Lieutenant Commanders". Kolk would be jabbed with many pointy awards (for details see his wiki 'cause I'm too angry and jealous to speak them aloud; pompous kiss-up). LtCmdr. Wilde was awarded for being the absolute best Galactic President ever! (TOSMA II) and for keeping the morale of the entire Galaxy high despite the unexplained deaths of an entire species of Red Alert Bulbs (Neelix Award). Just as the crowd was about to spontaneously sing the Wilde Presidential Campaign fight song (they were, I swear!), Captain Mar showed up out of nowhere and dubbed the Walker "Sir Captain," laying aside once and for all any rumors that he might be in line for the rare and immensely prestigious rank of Captander.

Once all the pomp and hullabaloo was over, many people talked, danced, and generally felt sorry for themselves. LtCmdr. Thomas met his underling. His underling, Ens. Trolin, met a girl... and another girl... and a third girl, but he knew that one before. The first girl, Lt.JG Trell, awoke feelings in him that he hadn't yet known were possible... and he promptly stuck both feet in his mouth and she left without even nibbling her dinner. The second girl, SCPO Granger, was roused with feelings of her own, but he doesn't know yet and she's only just barely begun to realize that it's far too late to fight them. The third girl, Ens. Torsten whom he already knew, shared a mysterious past with him, but they won't tell the rest of us what happened because they're meanies. He only danced with the first and third, but it's Granger's fault; she skipped the party. Had she been there, he might've proven his true status as an unparalelled ladies' man, but alas, no such proof has yet surfaced. Speaking of unparalleled, LtCmdr. Cruise talked to Ens. Torsten as well and struck out miserably, thus prooving he has no power over the ladies.

A few Indyites, such as Lt. Ehlanii and her boyfriend LtCmdr. Brice joined their captain in crashing the hip, Ronin party, but it's quick death can't really be blamed on them; Lt. Wood played a song from the 20th Century and everyone realized how drunk they were when they found themselves loving the ancient tune.

The next day a band of "Arthurian" adventurers, led by the obnoxious little Captain's Pet known as LtCmdr. Kolk, attempted to chase Morgana to her lair in order to save Merlin from having to kiss her. However, the group (comprised of LtCmdr. Cruise, Lt.JG Trell, & Ensigns Trolin, Torsten, & Javinx) found themselves facing a poison-wielding giant from "Ender's Game". As they descended upon the giant's table (litterally... like, they fell), Ens. Javinx, with the pink-flamingo hair, fell into LtCmdr. Cruise's lap (and he lived droolingly ever after). Then the group escaped the giant's trap, and again plopped their way into a bit of a snag. An evil Queen, bizarrely played by a non-period Xindi-Reptilian, declared that someone should run off with their heads, thus unleashing a torrent of guards hoping to be the someone. Fighting their way to the dungeon, they saved the wizard and the simulation ended with many a coy glance between the blue-skins (Lt.JG Trell & Ens. Trolin) and between LtCmdr.Cruise (the playa') and his new muse, Ens. Javinx.

Thereafter, the Captain's Pet spent the rest of his leave moping about in his quarters while his Indy-bound girlfriend stood him up because she considered the insides of the Prometheus class ship far more attractive than his ugly mug. (I'm told he does have a rather nice looking thermos, though.) Oh, LtCmdrs. Cruise, Kolk, and Thomas talked about some weird little rock thing called Walkinium, but from what my surveilance devices picked up, it was mission-related, so I slept through most of it... Speaking of sleeping through important missiony stuff, I need to get back to that. G'night!

Signed,

The Mysterious Shoreleave Archivist...