SIM:Lt. Jg. Kevin Breeman: Breeman Emotional Maturity Story Arc: The Abyss Stares into Thee?
Breeman describes his having gone and cried in his quarters.
((Counsellor's Office - USS Independence-A))
Ehlanii: Please... sit down. Can you elaborate on which part of your trip over there you find most distressing?
::To say that Kevin was distressed, ashamed, worried, concerned for his career, and generally afraid would have been an accurate assessment. But still, he had to do this. He'd sat through a gathering of really tough people who had shown little in the way of the raw terror Kevin felt.
His simulated mentor kicked in. Look her in the eye Kevin and sit down. This is a great way to test your might. Confess your feelings and emotions to another. If you felt excluded last night it was because you haven't been initiated yet.::
Breeman: Uh.. ::He began.::
Breeman: yeah, when that Ixvapyan landed on me. One second I was just about to scan the room and then I was on the floor with an invisible fist drilling me. I--I'm still pretty freaked out about it. I can't understand how... everybody else seemed so professional but I was about to break down afterwards.
::He thought he saw a twitch at the edge of her mouth. Is she laughing at me? She thinks this is -- Good! This will be that much more of a challenge.::
Ehlanii: I can guarantee you weren't alone. But how about telling me more.
Breeman: Well I guess I just didn't expect it would be like that. I thought I'd just be able to fall back on my training and that I'd just be able to wrestle him away from me. I suppose perhaps that I mistook theoretical knowledge for imminant-- ::No you're not getting out of this one with your intellectualizing defense. Let's see some blood, sweat, and tears! He could almost hear the twinge of a British accent in that last bit of internal pep talk.:: --I mean it was just overwhelming. I tried to wrestle him away from me but I couldn't see him.
Ehlanii: And when that happened, in that moment, what did you feel?
Breeman: Before I could do anything else I felt a continual hammeraing at my head. I couldn't do anything and I could feel the back of my head cracking against the floor. I was scared and --
::What is interesting about memory and its recollection is the selectivity of it at times. The fact that Kevin had become angry never once occurred to him in the days since the mission. Anger was not an emotion felt by a passive victim or a spineless weakling. Or perhaps I should say anger coupled with an attempt to do something is not an attribute one would readily associate with passivity.::
Ehlanii: And what do you think about that?
::The question was rather unexpected.::
Breeman: Well I guess it was natural. I was angry too at how unexpected the whole thing was and how it had disrupted my plans to do something impressive for my superiors and get the ship up and running again.
Ehlanii: So what happened next?
Breeman: Well I managed to get his arm and then somebody kicked him off me. I got up and just when I was about to do something another Ixvapyan grabbed me. He said the ship was going to self destruct. I felt like...so damned useless.
Breeman: And then I could feel his knife starting to slit my throat. I thought I was going to die. There was this explosion and I felt shards of his skull spattering the back of my neck.
Breeman: Everything is a blur after that. I remember B, the floating nanite-based creature, helping me to stop the ship from detonating. Then once we got it the emotions started coming at me. I--I wanted to yell at Apone when he congratulated me because I felt so weak. I wanted to show him I could be strong too. I was terrified of looking people in the eye. I looked away from the transporter chief, afraid of those huge eyes staring me down and seeing into me. They beamed emotion like two phasers.
Breeman: And then last night at that meeting with Rogers and security I felt so out of place.. I feel like there's some kind of skill for expressing raw emotions like fear correctly. I mean it helped to go and cry in my quarters but I still don't know what to do around people when this happens.
::Now he felt like a starship with its shields down and weapons offline positioned in front of a massive Borg cube... His grandfather had thought psychologists to be the policers of the norm. This obviously was not possible in the society of today. And, Kevin suspected, even then it likely hadn't been the case. His grandfather, having suffered from the ancient condition labelled autism, should have been in the best position to see that.
What would happen now? From the now deserted bridge of his mind, he stared forward in fear and curiosity out into the unknown abyss of interpersonal communication and emotion, scanning every aspect of this moment, stoically hoping to take from it whatever might happen, good or bad...::
Lt. Jg. Kevin Breeman Engineering Officer USS Independence-A
I borrowed a few images from the recent Star Trek film in making this post, particularly the bit about the empty bridge of a starship at the end of the post.
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