Beelam Grog/Letter to Montreal Crew

Personal Log Stardate 239602.20

Not sure what needs to be said, just that it needs to be said. I guess I should start with my name: Beelam Grog. Nurse Beelam Grog assigned to the USS Montreal. I have just be relieved of duty. I know I shouldn't have, but sometimes I feel like I might burst if I don’t let it all out. Maybe it's emotional dysregulation. I wouldn’t know, never had a problem before coming on board. Well, maybe a little. Parents helped, brother yelled, just like Galven yelled at me. The last time we truly spoke I yelled at him, something I now regret with all my shattered heart. I regret all the things I have said, all my actions on this ship of dreams. It's hard to say why I have done what I have done but easy to say who is to blame. Jedal and his stupid, stupid memories. Him and his stupid wife. The wife I can’t help compare to Galven. Maybe...maybe...just maybe that was why I freaked out the first time. Jedal realized I had a crush on the Denobulan and it only took till now for my brain to catch up.

Not used to such change, I say. Mother used to get me to bed and asleep when I would start to freak. Would take a while but I could always hear my brother yelling and trying to get at me, shake the trouble away.

I guess now that I have to deal with it on my own I just can’t cope. The thought is strange to know that when I was first joined and in the academy, I had no trouble. I imagine that it was because I had such great friends; more like a family really. If only I could say that about the people here. They're kind enough, but one knows rest can’t cure everything. But if I don’t, if Galven doesn’t pull through I might not pull through either. I feel I could pull through, my blanket does wonders.

One does begin to wonder if I could just take a deep breath and take all the pain away. I would then be able to do what the prophets want and serve the people of the Montreal. I truly wonder what I care most about. People, healing, making others happy? It's hard to tell. Makes me want to run sometimes, which I know what be a Parath sort of thing.

I hardly know what to do, comes out I guess; all at once. If only one would stop me before I truly got going, maybe then I would know best how I felt; know who's truly on my side. Maybe it’s the First Officer Lael or Padix or German. If only they knew what I needed when I felt like running, knew the signs and were able to steer me in the right direction.

Oh how I wish I could fly off to Jupiter or Mars, even the moon would do nicely. Running away would solve my problems. Then no one would judge me or tell me to shut up.

I should finish up soon sleep might do me some good; maybe a world.

I should like to leave you dear reader with this:

• Hugs are just as great as a weighted blanket.
• Breathing calms the mind.
• I need a helping hand someone to guide me in the right direction. Distract me from all the hurt.

I guess I shall go to sleep now, though I probably won’t sleep. All these thoughts just keep going around in my head.

My uniform is my armor.

All I can do is try to keep living until I feel alive again.

Ensign Nurse Beelam Grog

USS Montreal

To the people, I care about most <3