SIM:Della Vetri - Counselor's Counselor
((Bridge - USS Indria-A))
Having sat next to the acting FO through the little skirmish with the Breen, Cura had relaxed when Jacen's family arrived in full force. Somehow she had not recognized Alex, Jacen's cousin but after Jacen pointed out she had met him before, She had taken a second look and realized she had. An eyebrow rose at that. Cura shook her head. Perhaps she'd lay off the Argelian Brandy.
Assanti: Counselor, mind joining me for a bit of breakfast in the lounge?
Vetri: Uh, sure. If you want...
Assanti: Don't feel obligated. We could do it another time. I just thought you might want to chit chat and meet our potential guests?
Vetri: No, it's fine. I've only managed half a cup of cold coffee so far, so the thought of actual food is strangely appealing. Besides, I have a report for you, and now's as good a time as any.
She let Assanti lead the way, and tried really hard to keep herself acting in the relaxed manner she usually favored but seemed so hard to achieve right now.
Assanti: Excellent. ::Cura stepped into the lift and turned about. ::Again she drew a blank, wondering what deck the lounge was on?:: Mess Hall!
Vetri: It seems our XO is in a statistical minority. No joy with my idea, he simply wouldn't go under.
Assanti: Don't beat yourself up about it. Some people just don't do well, Della. I'm sure we can come up with something else?
Vetri: I'm still thinking. If I have any more ideas, I'll let you know.
Assanti: So, how are you feeling, Counselor? ::the lift swished open and Cura led the way out, setting the pace down the corridor.::
The first response to pop into Della's mind probably wasn't a good one, so she decided on something that was almost, but not even remotely, the truth.
Vetri: To be honest, starting to feel a little snowed under. I'll handle it, though.
Assanti: Well, when I held the position of Counselor before, I had taken great comfort in being able to talk with someone else, not about other people's issues but my own issues. The idea that the Counselors are invincible doesn't hold water with me.
Cura stepped through the doors of the Starlight Lounge, which was somewhat empty. She moved towards the replicator with Vetri.
Assanti: Mind you I'm not saying you are weak or vulnerable But, I'd rather have my ship's counselor as balanced as possible oO Unlike myself Oo. Sometimes talking about things will ::glances at her.:; Make a world of a difference.
Vetri: I know what you mean. I even tried it myself, not that long ago. :remembering her visit to Tash's quarters, bottle in hand:: The results where...interesting.
Cura ordered a rather large breakfast, eggs, sausages wheat toast, OJ and fruits. She was rather famished for some reason. Cura found a table for them and then sat down, shortly followed by Della and her pancakes. The pair sat in silence for a few moments, as they got started on their meals.
Assanti: Goodness.. It's been so long since I had a nice meal like this....I had forgotten how good pineapples are. ::gestured with her fork for Vetri to try some.:: Have some, please. I think my eyes were too big for my stomach.
Vetri: ::chuckling as she reached over to spear a chunk off of Cura's plate:: I remember a fuzzy little critter for whom that was literally true. Well, it was Laren that actually saw it, but you get the idea. Still, it's a common enough type of behavior.
Assanti: I suppose its why they say not to go shopping for food when you're hungry.
Vetri: I think most restaurant owners would disagree...
Assanti: So...:: Cura glanced at Della.:: So, why not tell me what's going on, Della. I've been sensing some rather uneasy vibes from you of late.
Della was silent for a moment or two, trying to decide what to say. In the end, she chickened out a bit, and settled for something pretty accurate.
Vetri: Just stressed, I guess.
Cura sampled a few bites of sausage and toast.
Assanti: I must say it's been a hard mission. A lot of unexpected things happened. Yet we all react to them differently. Okay...I'm going to stop talking and let you talk now. I'm sure if you have something to say, you will just say it. But I will say only this before I do. It's not easy for you. I realize that. Being a Joined Trill, you have your past lives and all those emotions to contend with and as counselor you must open yourself up to world of other emotions and some are quite stressful. I know that our most recent encounter at the party after the mission must have been quite shocking and traumatic Believe me, going through assimilation first hand was enough but I'm sorry you had to see that. It was ...neither of our faults. Just something that happened. But I sense it's affected you....your willingness to just react like you were doing before. There's some....reluctance. Your instincts to just react were...were spot on, Della. Surely whatever you witness from intervening with me would never in a million years happen again with someone else.
Vetri: I wish I could believe that, Captain, I really do. oO That was the *second* time it happened, boss. Not the first... Oo
Assanti: What I'm saying is... You can't let those fears stop you from doing what comes naturally to you, nor stop you from doing your duties. If you have a problem, you seek help, talk about it and resolve it. I know you know this. I'm just trying to help. And I can help, Della.
With a wan smile, Della played with her breakfast a bit before speaking again.
Vetri: How are you handling it? The assimilation and everything?
Assanti: No.:: Cura shook her head at Della:: ..No. This is about you, Della, not me. ::taking a sip of OJ and setting the glass down.:: Talk to me. Is there something going on with your past that you need to explore or resolve? Sometimes there are unseen obstacles that hold us back from being ourselves. I used to know a Joined Trill, Della. Amandi told me about these issues...how there's this struggle for dominance within. But you can control it and over come it.
Giving up on the food in front of her, Della set her fork aside and sat back.
oO The blending of memories I can handle, when I can actually trust them. Oo
Vetri: It's been years now. Since before I joined the Academy, in fact. It seems to be a fairly ongoing process.
Assanti: Of course it will take time. :: Cura glanced at Della and grabbed her coffee, taking a sip and setting it down.:: You also have to be willing to open up to....someone, meditation and a great deal of soul searching. :: Cura smiled.:: Amadi used to say that several lives took a life time to understand and then harness as just a part of herself.
Vetri: Sounds a lot like the speech I got at the Symbiosis Commission And it's true enough, I guess.
Assanti: You don't have to make up your mind now. Think about it. :: finishing her food.:: You never really told me exactly what went on with you and Lt. Cmdr T'Lea. She's coming back by the way. Just not quite sure when. T'Lea always manages to surprise people.
Vetri: No, I guess I didn't. oO Great, just what I need right now. Oo Will the short version be acceptable?
Assanti: No matter where you start just as long as you get these things off your chest.
Vetri: ::Taking a deep breath before speaking:: We were in the turbolift, just as we were heading out toward the Neutral Zone. We got into some kind of argument or other, I'm not sure what about - Tash probably, given what happened next. Anyway, we were pretty much in each other's faces and... I don't know, something happened. Same kind of thing as happened with you, I guess, except we weren't actually touching.
Assanti: Hmm. ::nodding:: T'Lea is...powerful herself. I'm not surprised. She's Vulcan/Romulan. There's a part of her that knows Vulcan ways...so if there was this...episode. It could have been from her. Perhaps she had been thinking about something and you got a glimpse of it. But.;: Cura was intrigued as well.:: You say this was about Tash?
Anything concerning Tash, immediately interested her, of course. Her inner, hidden desires for the man must not be a secret to Della by now. She had all but told her of her love of the man. Yet, this episode might be something she didn't know of yet. Especially since T'Lea and Tash had been so close of friends.
Vetri: Next thing I know, I'm so damn scared I nearly threw up there and then. My whole mind had just been turned inside out, it felt like, and I could clearly remember seeing Tash -
She barely managed to stop herself in time. Regardless of how she felt about it, she doubted Tash would appreciate her blurting out the details of the telepathically provoked homicide he'd carried out.
Vetri: What I saw isn't relevant. The fact I saw it at all is disturbing enough.
Cura leaned forwards, listening, taking in the information but not wanting not push further. This is what she was driving at all along.
Assanti: It's not easy...being counselor. But what scared you so? Before this "episode" had you ever been able to get such glimpses or flashes? What did you see Tash do?
Finally looking up from her plate, Della met the Captains eyes and held them as all traces of warmth seemed to drain from her voice.
Vetri: Trust me, what I saw makes me wish what happened to you was the worst that could happen. ::sighing abruptly, she shook her head as if to clear it.:: I'm sorry Captain, that was a whole lot harsher than I should have said.
Assanti: It's ok, Della. These are the things you need to get out anyways.
Vetri: I'm sorry. I don't know what the frak is going on in my head anymore... :leaning forward again, she rested her head in her hands for a few silent seconds before looking up again:: I can't do this anymore. I can't carry on trying to hide it, not from you, not from any of the crew. I don't know how much longer I can manage what control I have left.
Reaching up to her collar, Della pulled the pips away from the fabric, and set them in the center of the table. Her hands were shaking with the effort it took to maintain at least some composure, but the room around her had already blurred out of recognition from the tears in her eyes.
Vetri: When Tash and I were bringing Yu'ltak here, if I'd had a blade to hand, I'd have killed him myself. I don't know why, and to be honest, it's beginning to terrify me.
Woe...! This was not happening, Cura thought. Within Cura's mind, all self pity and self insecurities flew out the window. One of her best officers was quitting? Her whole demeanour simply changed then.
Assanti: Hey. :: Cura pushed her try aside. Nothing was between them now but her pips on the table.:: Listen to me. I'm not going to diminish anything you've told me. You have a gift. It has it's pros and cons. You've embarked on this path...your career in Star Fleet. No one promised you it'd be a walk through a rose garden, did they?
Vetri: ::almost whispering:: Not even close. But all this...
Assanti: Let me finish. I know that what you saw when you tried to help me was harsh and from what you've just said, what you saw from T'Lea must have been more raw, but I can only say this. It's your choice. You can try and harness and use your gift to do a bit of good in this universe or you can pack it in an quit. EVERYTHING happens for a reason, Della. There's a reason you saw Tash doing whatever he did. There's a reason you saw what you saw when we connected. I believe you're here for a reason! But I won't baby you and say it will be easy. NO. You can help Tash. And you're even helping me now. Believe me, Della, I've been at these cross roads before. Not sure if I should go forward in my chosen path or not. From my assimilation, to the disappearance of my husband to a great deal of other terrible things, the one thing I take pride in is....I'm still here...fighting. The choice is yours of course. I'm not saying it will get better or worse but you're either willing to accept it and find a way to deal with it or your pack it in and return home.
Wiping a sleeve roughly across her eyes, Della looked back up her voice still quiet but with a lot more heat in it.
Vetri: It's not the same as it was for someone like you. I never expected this, was never prepared for it. Joining Starfleet was an attempt to do just what you said, to try and turn something that had frakked up my life into a way to help people. All it seems to have done so far is cause me more pain, and I'm more grateful than you can imagine that I don't seem to have spread it to others as well. You were trained to expect your abilities, you knew what to expect. ::shifting her gaze, she stared pointedly at the pips at the Captain's throat:: You seem to have done well enough.
Assanti: You think I don't want to run away at times!! I've had someone very close to me die on this mission and then by some grace he came back to life. But during the time he was dead? You think I didn't want to pack it in and run away!! Twice in my life I venture to love someone and 2 times they were taken away from me!! Just because Tash is alive doesn't diminish the fact that it was me that sent Tash to that cargo bay!! I gave the order that ...that killed him! But I had duty to perform... I had a crew that needed my guidance... that needed me to step up and command. The same is for you, Della. This crew, Myself and others here depend on you to be there when they need you. Question is are you willing to put yourself back into balance so you can be there for them? I must say that on this mission, I've had to do that very often and in short order. It is a hidden requirement of command officers I think but my point is this. What you're feeling about all this is normal, Della. What you've seen is scary and would rattle anyone's cage....my assimilation and whatever Tash did, I can gather from knowing him it wasn't pretty. He's a security officer, Della. It wouldn't be pretty. But ::Cura sighed.:: The counselor's job is to help those people become stable... fit for duty. Do you not want to do this anymore? You don't want to help people anymore?
Cura looked at the Lt jg pips on the table. She placed her hands on them, held them her hands, looking at them. She desperately tried to hold back her own tears.
Assanti: It would be a shame not to see two or three more golden pips added to these. :: Cura looked at Della as she put the pips down.:: Many officers often come to such a time in their lives, Della. Don't run because of what you see or that you think you cannot deal with what you've seen. First , try and then after you're done all you can to make it better, then run. But to accept such a resignation would be a bit premature on my part. R&R is upon us, Della. Take this time, relax, unwind and clear your head. Then, perhaps we can revisit this subject. I'm not going to accept those now. :: Cura rose to her feet, adjusted her tunic and brushed the little crumbs off her tunic. Then she glanced at Della.:: We are Star Fleet Officers, :;Cura held her head up :: We are called to go where no one has gone before, see things that no one has seen or dares to venture out to see. You've seen only a faction of it all. There are still those stars not yet explored. Are you the explorer that you thought you were? Do you want to make a difference in this universe? Do you want to harness that gift of yours and use it for good? You can Della. But no one is forcing you. :: Bending over to her ear.:: Learn how to make the gift work for you, Della. Harness it, don't run away from it.
Without another word, Cura moved away and as she did, she smiled to herself, pleased that she had said all she could to save Della's life... to save her career...to save her spirit. What Della chose to do now would be her choice.
Minutes passed in silence as Della simply sat, staring at the little pieces of metal on the table. Eventually, she reached out a hand and gathered them up, then turned a little to gaze out of the windows at the nebula surrounding them.
Vetri: ::softly:: There's more to it, boss. I don't know what it is, but it's there, and it's screwing me up.
Slowly her hand tightened, knuckles going white with tension as the insignia within began to cut into the flesh of her palm. Eyes closed, she tipped her head back, taking a deep breath, focusing on the pain, feeding her fears and worries into it until her mind began to feel clear for the first time in what seemed like weeks.
oO Everyone's screwed up somehow, and she's right - I can't let this beat me. If I have to fight every second of my life, I'm going to make this work. I. Will. Not. Loose. Oo
Slowly releasing the air in her lungs, she opened her eyes again and headed for the door. She had work to do.