|This page is lacking an appropriate name.|
|Naming pages properly is important, because naming them improperly makes it difficult to find pages, and also to create other pages which may have similar meanings. Please move this page to a more appropriate name to better identify the content of the article.|
(( 2396 - Corridor USS Constitution-B ))
Things had blown up in Jalana's face. Something she had hidden, pushed away for such a long time had come back to the surface unexpectantly and this time it was dealt with. It had to be, but it was scary. Anything could happen. The thought of that didn't leave her alone, stressed her out and caused her hands to tremble. So she weaved her fingers into a net to stabilize each other. She stepped around a bend and saw her friend T'Mar. One of the few people who knew about her issue. Maybe she could help her with some words of encouragement.
T’Mar walked with her hand in her pocket, holding the hypo almost therapeutically. As long as she knew it was there and an option, she didn’t have to worry. She still had a choice, although using it was becoming more and more a temptation. All she had to do was adjust the dosage..
She called out with a wide smile. She hadn't have a lot of time recently and missed spending time with one of her best friends.
T’Mar: Jalana, I did not see you there..
The Vulcan jerked her hand out of pocket as soon as she registered that her friend was there, but by doing so she pulled the hypo out as well. Time slowed down for a moment as T’Mar heard the clank of the hypospray hitting the floor.
Jalana was about to say something when T'Mar jerked her hand out of her pocket and something fell to the floor. When the Trill looked down she immediately recognized it as a hypospray. Surprise made her brows jump up.
Rajel: Are you sick?
T’Mar: Oh that? It’s.. it’s nothing.
The way T'Mar said it didn't sit well with Jalana. Being smaller had the advantage that she was closer to the floor and being a Doctor she had to have good reflexes. She was just a smidge faster than her friend and picked the hypo up from the floor and turned it to look at the vial inside. She recognized the name of the drug, of course she did. She might not be practicing right now but her knowledge didn't just go away. She stared at the hypo in silence.
There was a belief that Vulcans were incapable of lying. So it seemed rather ironic that in her pursuit to possibly become “fully” Vulcan, T’Mar chose to lie to her best friend. She quickly moved to try to get the hypo before Jalana could get to it, but the Trill got there first. As her friend reviewed the hypo, she knew comprehension of the medication would sink in. Jalana was, after all, a doctor.
T'Mar: I’ll take that back if you don’t mind.
Rajel: T'Mar, stop.
Her voice was quiet, forcibly kept from shaking.
T’Mar chose to push her luck.
T'Mar: I think you are over reacting..
The Trill raised her green gaze to her friend, a full bag of mixed emotions flickering in them. Anger, worry being the strongest. A quick look around revealed a maintenance room only a few steps further.
Rajel: With me. Now. I am not going to repeat myself.
Her voice ringing firm, intentionally without emotion. She tried really hard to not yell at T'Mar right away. She needed to hear the story first. But it was incredibly difficult. She walked past T'Mar and stood at the door as it shifted open and turned to T'Mar gesturing her to get inside. She waited for her friend to follow that gesture before she entered right behind her. The door closing behind her she took a deep breath, glad that nobody was here.
T’Mar didn’t need to be an empath to know Jalana was extremely upset. Years of friendship had taught her to recognize her tells. So when Jalana’s voice held the “Don’t mess with me” tone, T’Mar knew better than to fight it in such an open area. Every fiber of her being wanted to argue. It was her medicine after all. She followed the red headed Trill to an empty room.
Rajel: What in the guardian's names are you thinking to have this with you? ::She raised her hand holding the hypo.::
T'Mar: What do you mean?
Because playing dumb always worked well.
The Trill took a deep breath, and another. Her fingers clenched around the metal in her hand.
Rajel: T'Mar, it is taking every ounce of my patience to not lose my composure right now. I am not in the mood for excuses.
T’Mar: If you could elaborate your concern perhaps I could answer to your liking.
There was a hint of annoyance in T’Mar’s voice, which made her desire to use the medication that much more.
Rajel: This is _Lexorin_, you know that I know what it is. ::Her eyes snapped up to T'Mar's face and her voice grew louder just a little bit.:: Are you insane??
T'Mar: Not in the least.
It really annoyed Jalana how calm T'Mar was, but then the other woman - her friend - was half Vulcan and it had been rare to see her not collected and calm in the years they knew each other. But in this situation it really bugged her.
Rajel: Oh really? Then what is this? ::She raised the hypo::
T'Mar: It is my emergency medication. If you check my medical records you will find that everything is in order.
It was true. After Dr. Reid’s questionable experiment, a new medical officer on the Gemini, Ens. Malik, had prescribed it for her. In fact, when she first joined the Conny she kept the dosage nearby for emergencies until she had properly regained control. Of course, it had been prescribed with the instructions of seeing a counselor as well. She refrained from mentioning that fact or that she had not needed to use it for some time.
Rajel: Oh really?
It sounded way more sarcastic than Jalana had intended.
T’Mar looked at Jalana defensively. Her retort was harsh and uncharacteristic.
T’Mar: Not everyone uses medication inappropriately, Jalana.
Oh yeah that hit like a fist right on the nose, or in this case in the guts. It almost knocked all air out of Jalana's lungs. That was a deep shot, one she had not expected from one of her best friends. White and red flashed before Jalana's eyes and the grip around the hypo got strong enough to maker her knuckles stand out white. She had never been prone to violenace but boy did she want a catfight right now. She took a step forward already, but held herself back. She couldn't do that. Several deep breaths filled her lungs, hoping it would be enough to not pounce her friend right now. It took every ounce of her to speak as calmly as she good and it still pressed out with force.
Rajel: And neither do they lie if they don't.
T'Mar: Are you suggesting that I have been anything other than honest with you about this medication?
Rajel: ::stepping closer:: 'It is nothing' you said when I picked it up. People with nothing to hide ... ::She now was close enough to lower her voice to a forced whisper, almost hissing.:: ... don't have to lie into their best friend's face.
T'Mar: I didn’t lie. It WAS prescribed to me.
She didn’t understand why Jalana had to push it so much. What did it matter to her anyway?
The Trill inhaled with a shudder. T'Mar didn't get it, did she? Having gone through all this she couldn't let her do the same mistake. What kind of friend would she be if she just watched?
Rajel: Do you have a multiple personality disorder after a mind meld?
Rajel: Then have you carried another Vulcan's katra throwing your own out of the loop and into confusion?
T'Mar: I have not.
T’Mar found herself resenting the same persistence that she usually admired in Jalana. For a brief moment, she considered what it would take to convince her that she had seen the error of her ways so she could leave and just get another refill.
Another deep inhale, a ragged exhale. The anger of the deep blow had not gone away but now was dominated by worry. What kind of doctor gave this kind of medicine out if it was not necessary. How irresponsible could that person be? Yeah sure, pot calling kettle black. Jalana herself had self medicated for way too long to pretend that she was oh so responsible herself, but at least she didn't give something like that into the hands of a non medical to use at their own leisure when it was not necessary.
Rajel: Then this is _NOT_ what you need. That is what it is used for. If you have not gone through any of this, it _will_ damage your brain!
T'Mar: You don’t know what you are talking about. You are not my physician anymore.
Jalana shook her head and sighed, her hand grabbing the back of her neck.
Rajel: It's _because_ I know, that I am not tolerating this.
T'Mar: Jalana they gave this to me for a reason, you must understand that.
She spoke slow and steady, far calmer than she felt. Jalana’s anger amplified her own and she struggled to keep it in check.
Rajel: And what reason would that be?
T’Mar: A doctor performed a risky experiment that left me nearly unable to control my empathy.
She was desperate now. Jalana must understand that a doctor gave this to her, right? T’Mar was cracking as she stared at the hypospray that Jalana held hostage in her hand.
T’Mar: It helps me. I don’t want to feel everything..
Rajel: ::scoffing:: Who wants that?
T’Mar: You don’t know what it’s like to try to control your emotions while feeling everyone’s around you.
Rajel: Emotions are normal, T'Mar. They belong to life.
T’Mar: But I am a Vulcan!!
She yelled it out at Jalana- her frustration finally boiling to a critical point. If she could just get to the medication… T’Mar reached out and tried to take it from Jalana’s hands. She needed it. She wanted to stop feeling and the only way she could fully suppress the emotions was by using this medication. Jalana was supposed to be her friend, but she obviously didn’t care about her afterall.
The yelling came as a surprise, it made Jalana jump and her bright green eyes fixated on T'Mar. There she was. That facade cracking. T'Mar reached out but Jalana pulled her hand back and brought that arm behind her back. .oO You sure don't act like one. Oo.
Rajel: You are also Betazoid. ::A reminder.::
Jalana had moved the spray out of reach. T'Mar's only option would involve a straight attack and although she was stronger and angry, she wasn’t desperate enough to attack the Trill. Not yet anyway. Instead, she cocked her head slightly at the remark.
T'Mar: Precisely why I need the medication, Jalana. Just. Give. Me. The. Hypo.
She had slipped by trying to get the hypo before. Maybe she could convince Jalana to give it up. Maybe she could catch her off guard.
Rajel: And what then? What if this dose isn't enough? If it needs another, and another? Will you keep going all your life?
T'Mar: And what if I do? It’s not your choice! This is what I need!
T’Mar began pacing, not wanting to listen to Jalana anymore. What did Jalana know any way. She wasn’t a specialist in Vulcans, was she? The medicine was prescribed to her- she wasn’t doing anything wrong by using it. Right?
Rajel: What you need is to get a hold of yourself and proper treatment. And this is not it.
T'Mar: I like this treatment. It helps me not feel anything. No confusing emotions. No feeling what doesn’t belong to me..
The Vulcan thought about the confusing feelings she had picked up from Zage since he had suggested they move in together. The way she knew he was lying when he said he why he was going back home. The way she had begun to depend on him to help her with her emotions. She didn’t like it. She didn’t want it.
Rajel: T'Mar, Vulcans don't have no emotions. They control them. That is a big difference. This little spray here is dangerous for you, if you believe it or not.
T'Mar: So what do you want me to do? oO Suffer?? Oo
Rajel: What do you think I want you to do? Seek help from Saveron and Edward. That is what they are here for.
Always with the seeking help speech. More people that would know her business. More people T'Mar didn’t want to talk to. She didn’t need help, she needed her medicine.
T'Mar: Perhaps you should heed your own advice, Jalana.
Of course. If she had used it once she would do it again. But this time she could at least put up a defensive shield.
Rajel: Don't try that again, T'Mar. This is about you not me. Also, I already spoke with Ed about my issue, now it's your turn.
T'Mar wasn’t expecting that. For so long, it had been hush hush. Now what?
T'Mar: I don’t have to do anything, Jalana. YOU have to give me the hypospray back.
Rajel: I don't have to do anything, T'Mar.
Oh yes, super adult to throw back the same sentiment into her friend's face. Would T'Mar recognize that what she was doing was wrong? Harmful to herself? Would she see that Jalana only did this because she cared deeply about her friend of over seven years? The look she received from the Half-Vulcan didn't give her a sliver of hope that she understood. What was worse was, that Jalana recognized it too well. It was her own confrontation with Sundassa all over again, just in reversed roles. .oO I was you. I hope you will see it one day. Oo.
If looks could kill, Jalana would be dead. T’Mar stared her down, no longer willing to listen. She would just leave and go to sickbay for another. Surely they could do that.
T’Mar: It’s not your decision to make.
But that day was not today. Jalana hated it, she wished she could just plant it into T'Mar's brain.
Rajel: As your friend... and your Captain I am responsible for you. In your current state, I have not much of a choice... for the good of the ship. And you. ::She paused:: Get help, T'Mar.
T’Mar: Is that an order?
If it was, she wouldn’t have a choice but to comply. It would be that or leave Starfleet, but where would that leave her? Deep down she knew she wouldn’t leave and she knew the hypo was only a temporary fix. But she didn’t want to face anything. She wanted to not care. Not feel.
Rajel: I would prefer if you would make the right decision yourself and not force me into a stance I don't want to be in.
T’Mar: Then we are done here.
Jalana looked at her friend, who seemed every much to be like a stranger at this point. She opened her mouth to say ... something. But she didn't know what. Why didn't T'Mar see that she only wanted to help? And before she could even register that T'Mar left she was alone. The hypo still clutched in her fingers Jalana dropped down into a crouch, rubbing her free hand over her face as her heart sank to the depths of a pit. How could all of this had been about T'Mar and still sucked so much energy out of her for the realisation that she had also spoken about herself? How after all these years could this still sit so deep that she risked losing her friend?
A shaky deep breath later she looked up, to the spot where T'Mar had been standing, hoping that it wouldn't happen. But she couldn't lie and ignore that T'Mar had a problem just to appease her. Just as Sundassa had not been able to do that to her several years ago. She just couldn't.