Marcus Dickens/Personal log 239301.22

Computer start record.

Hi, I'm sure you know me so I'll skip the introduction. Lot has happened, and the reason I'm recording this is by the psychiatrist orders. They are of the opinion that if my mind wasn't enough troubled by 'you know what', the events of the phase change I suffered in the Apollo-A las summer could have left a mental scar that needs to be pulled out. Ok, here I go, I got trapped in a phase variance that made me intangible with most of the ship and all the people. I became a kind of ghost, able to see and hear, but not to interact with anyone. It pissed me of? Yes, I'm traumatized by that? Hey, I'm back, it's a experience, that's all, so I'll be ok.

Ok, Ok, ... I've seen myu colleagues trying to find me, until they realize that it will be too difficult to find me so I was relegated as a second priority issue. Understandable, but... Listen, I'm not saying that they didn't care, only that... well, I miss Raj... and the Atlantis. We managed to make a family there,... on the Apollo I was just a high ranking officer. The vinculum was not made, so I felt a bit...alone. I know that there was Gina, T'Var, Varaan, Conti, Asmara,... But being stuck in engineering and considering myself partly responsible for what happened, ... if at least the captain have listened to me! I warned her that I was unfamiliar with the slipstream system and that we needed to do more checks! Oh, ok, listen to me, moaning like a first year ensign.

The fact is that if I have had confidence in myself I'd have said no to Nicholotti and at least I wouldn't have been the direct responsible for what happened to me and the others. There was no ill intention, but that doesn't mean that I wasn't responsible for what happened and for that, I've been punished in purgatory. I loosed the ship that was my home, I loosed my wife, I loosed my friends... the only thing that is left for me is Starfleet and I hope that the evaluation commitee grants me to come back to active service so I can do what I do best. To be an officer, to be a scientist, to be a man and rebuild my life.

End record.