I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
"Intellect in chains loses in lucidity what it gains in intensity."
-- Albert Camus
"Yes, Mr. Death! I play you a game! But not CHESS, bah, fooey! My game is JARTS!"
-- The Flaming Carrot
"My name is Peabody. I assume you know yours."
-- Mr. Peabody
"If you feel you are not properly sedated, please call 348-844 immediately. Failure to do so may result in prosecution for criminal drug evasion."
-- Voice from medicine cabinet, "THX 1138"
"My advice to you, violent one, is to seek out a pile of gold and sit on it."
-- Grendel's Dragon
"Think about this ... we don't want to sacrifice our only advantage, just to go on a killing spree!" "We don't?" -- Arthur, Paul the Samurai and the Tick
"We decided he had gone to 'a better place'. Presumably one without lethal flaming wheels."
-- The Zoq-Fot-Pik
"What I am trying to express, just with my back as I walk away, is a warning against nuclear destruction."
-- Kenpachiro Satsuma (Godzilla)
"Money abases all the gods of mankind and changes them into commodities."
-- Karl Marx
"Love is the crocodile on the river of desire."
-- Bhartrihari
"AAAAAH! I'm burning with goodness again! Put me out! Put me out!" -- Reek, "Sluggy Freelance"
"He that despiseth small things shall perish by little and little." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"In the end, everything is a gag." -- Charlie Chaplin
"An angry South Seas deity presented a paper advocating the complete eradication of humanity. Fortunately, this was a minority standpoint." -- "The Exploits of the Junior Carrot Patrol"
"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer, but imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
-- Emo Philips
"He took his vorpal sword in hand; Long time the manxome foe he sought -- " -- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky"
"Ay, in the very temple of Delight/Veil'd Melancholy has her sovereign shrine." -- John Keats, "Ode on Melancholy"
"Molon labe." ("Come and get them.")
-- King Leonidas of Sparta
"It is generally better to deal by speech than by letter." -- Sir Francis Bacon
"Here endeth the lesson." -- James Malone, "The Untouchables"
"If I could interrogate this table leg in a way that made sense to me, or to the table leg, then it could provide me with the answer to any question in the universe." -- Dirk Gently
"Imbecility does not make Right." -- J.J. Rousseau
"I forsee that our nation will go through a terrible ordeal; a necessary expiation, perhaps, for our national sins" -- Robert E. Lee
"Kindly remove your foot from my nostril so that I may kill you." -- Jon Arbuckle
"The world would not be in such a snarl/If Marx had been Groucho instead of Karl." -- Irving Berlin
"I'm the Hiroshima of love." -- Sylvester Stallone
"Hello, Polly. I'll clean my room ..... in exchange for your immortal soul." -- Wednesday, "Addams Family Values"
"If there's anything I can't stand it's yes-men. When I say no, I want you to say no, too." -- Jack Warner
"Life may be cheap, but death costs money." -- GURPS Cyberpunk
"Why? Why was I programmed to feel pain?" -- An unlucky robot, "The Simpsons"
"Now, Eddie, sensitive intelligent creatures such as we do not stomp on one another." -- Herman Munster
"I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being and then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary." -- Rule #69 for Evil Overlords
"White does not exist in nature." -- Pierre-Auguste Renoir
"What we were after now was the old 'Surprise Visit'. That was a real kick, and good for lashings of the old ultra-violence." -- Alex, "A Clockwork Orange"
"From the Producers of the Popular and Effective Analgesic, Aspirin,Comes a Revolutionary New Product for the Curing of Colds and Coughs: HEROIN!" -- a Bayer ad, early 1900s
"Hail, our half-inflated Dark Lord!" -- Spinal Tap, "The Simpsons"
"Apparently, angry clowns DO charge." -- The Tick
"Pick a card, any card .... Go ahead, keep it. I've got 51 more." -- Groucho Marx
"Feel free to draw me some women before the strip ends." -- Riff, "Sluggy Freelance"
"The fabric of the universe is not in terribly good shape. It was kind of a botched job, you see; we only had 7 days to do it." -- Randal, "Time Bandits"
"Therefore all those who devour you shall be devoured; and all your adversaries, every one of them, shall go into captivity; those who plunder you shall become plunder, and all who prey upon you I will make prey." -- Jeremiah 30:16
"There can be no peace of mind in love, since what one has obtained is never anything but a starting point for further desires." -- Marcel Proust
"Be good and you will be lonesome." -- Mark Twain
"What I say is that the supreme and singular joy of making love resides in the certainty of doing evil." -- Baudelaire
"Good will always conquer evil, but it may require an ongoing feud and several matches outside the sanction of the National Wrestling Alliance." -- Professional wrestling axiom
"What is life if, full of care, we have no time to stand and stare?" -- W.H. Davies
"I'll probably buy the 2nd edition of "Vampire: The Masquerade", anyway. I hear it's going to be updated with all-new pretentiousness and totally revised overwhelming arrogance!" -- Jeff Freeman, "Ack"
"There is no getting away from a treasure once it fastens itself upon our minds." -- Joseph Conrad
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." -- Lewis Grizzard
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" -- Marilyn Pittman
"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
- Paula Poundstone
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
- Johnny Carson
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
- Paul Rodriguez
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."
- A. Whitney Brown
"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."
- George Carlin
"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
- Jack Handey
"Je suis Marxiste, tendance Groucho."
- French witticism
"My imperfections and failures are as much a blessing from God as my successes and my talents and I lay them both at his feet.”
- Mahatma Gandhi
"If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right."
- Henry Ford
"For myself, I am an optimist--it does not seem to be much use being anything else."
- Winston Churchill
"Brevity is the soul of wit."
- William Shakespeare
"If you can't think of anything clever to say, let someone else do it for you."
- Discordian Episkopos Fizzlewick Napoleon Orpheus Roarty Daedalus