SIM:Nicholotti Those Who Remain

((The Round Table, USS Excalibur - A))

Sleep in a time other than her own had been just as restless as any other, giving way to nightmares and the reflection of regrets she carried with her in her own time. The concerning part was that no doorway she had walked through as of yet had returned her to her own time again. Still, she continued to try, moving from the diplomatic offices, to the bridge, to engineering, the shuttle bays, and now to the Round Table lounge where a drink, perhaps, would help ease her mind.

The doors, like all the others, parted, inviting her in. Stepping through changed nothing, and the nearly empty room told the tale of an ending that needed to happen. Outside the massive transparent aluminum windows at one end, the remnants of the anomaly known now as ‘Kali’s Scar’ drifted beautifully amongst the stardust backdrop. In front of one of those windows, in a seat facing the same, she caught a familiar face.

He was older, with edges etched on his face that told of experiences she did not know about, and time she wasn’t there for, but beneath it all he was still the same man.

Liam Frost.

Stopping to order and grab a drink, she quietly approached the table and slipped into the chair next to him, following his gaze out into the stars. The lights flickered and seemed to brighten. The view outside suddenly shifted. The Scar was gone and in its place, the curvature of the planet below faded off into the darkness of space.

It had been a long time since Liam Frost had found himself on board a Starfleet ship. And if he was being honest with himself, it had been a long time since he had been welcome on one. His uniform and pips had long since been put away, and his career as a Starfleet officer closed like a book that often seemed like it had ended too soon. But there was still a familiarity about it. The way the Stars looked through the windows of the lounge of a ship. The hum of the deckplates under his feet. And the energy of a crew going about keeping it working that was unmistakable.

Nicholotti: Thank you for coming, Liam.

It wasn’t often you got to thank a friend for being there to serve justice for your death. Time was fickle and she didn’t want that opportunity to fade before she’d said it.

He didn't need to turn to see who was coming. Even if he wasn't here by her invitation, the voice of Kali Nicholotti was unmistakable to anyone who had spent any significant amount of time with her. And it didn't take much longer than that to pick up on the distinct difference between Command Kali and Casual Kali. He had seen both, and in many ways he was a fan of both. But in this particular moment he was glad to be dealing with the latter.

Frost: It's been a long time since I was on a proper Starfleet ship.

Nicholotti: I know.

Kali nodded, looking down at her drink before looking over at him. It had been a very, very long time. She couldn’t help but smile, however slightly, and however etched with sadness.

He looked down at his drink for a moment, reminiscing about all the times he had spent within the similar, but always subtly different corridors of various vessels. The people that he had known along the way. The people he had lost. The people he had left behind. There were entirely too many of them. Some of them he still kept in touch with, but it hadn't been the same.

Frost: Not since… well… the funeral to be honest.

Andrus Jaxx had been one of Liam's mentors. Along with Kali they were easily the two people most responsible for who he had become as an officer. Whether or not that was a good thing had become a subject of some debate and contention at his own court martial. And even though he wasn't an officer anymore, he felt that he owed a debt to his old friend and mentor to be there despite some of the sideways looks he got when he was there.

Kali nodded. She completely understood. Though her own path had taken her back into command, it hadn’t been easy stepping foot on the bridge, let alone the bridge of the Resolution. Echoes of the voices of those long gone haunted her in ways that were more real than ever since the Q.

Nicholotti: Do you ever think about returning?

They were, at one point, thicker than thieves. From their jaunt in the past in Earth’s 1960’s, to their trip to Echevarria, Kali, Liam, Jaxx, Katy, and so many others...it physically hurt to know that some of those faces she would never see again. Certainly, they would never work together again.

Frost: Sometimes. But that assumes they would have me back.

Truth be told he missed the life he had built for himself in Starfleet. He believed in what he was doing, and in the people around him. And he was proud of what he had accomplished. Anyone in his position would have been. He was a part of shaping events that would be talked about and used as case studies in the Academy for decades.

Some who reported on his last mission in Command of the Gemini would say that he threw it all away. They speculated on his motives from selfishness, cowardice, hubris, and outright malice. There was never any question that he had broken a number of Starfleet regulations. But one thing that remained consistent was his belief that he had done what was right. And as long as he could maintain that belief, he could live with himself. And so far he had done so.

The details surrounding what were his final days as a Starfleet captain were a maelstrom of ambiguity. Everyone at the top had an opinion, and as usual, most of them stank. Kali hadn’t been given a say, other than to commission the Apollo with the remains of the crew and carry on. And it might have been one of the hardest things she ever had to do, had she had all of her memories intact at the time. As it were, regret gnawed at her even now, but not for the launch of the Apollo.

No, she regretted not being there in the full capacity to save him.

Nicholotti: What you do here...it matters too.

Frost: It's not quite the same. But I have a good life here. Bajor has been good to me.

He took a long sip of his drink as he looked out over the blue-green hues of Bajor's oceans. If you had asked him when he graduated from the Academy where he was going to end up, a flight instructor for the Bajoran Defense Force would probably not have been high up on the list. But it was where he was. And even though it wasn't Starfleet, it still gave him the one thing he wanted most; a sense of purpose.

Frost: For what it's worth, you're part of why I'm here. I wasn't sure where I was going to go after I left Starfleet. It was the only life I'd ever known. I didn't have a backup plan. But the fact that you stuck your neck out for me…

Her crystalline blues met his browns and she leaned her head to the side slightly as if asking the question. In return, she could see the churning behind his look.

He paused for a moment. For a long time there had been a very clear distinction in Liam's mind between the Kali he had known and the Kali that came out of that void. He had very nearly had her arrested as an imposter the first time the blue-eyed version of the woman he had known and admired showed up on his bridge. But he had come to learn that the things that had made her who she was; the passion, the dedication, the determination, and the compassion, they were all still there in spades. She looked a little different, but she was still fundamentally the same person she had been before. And never was that more clear then when she had risked her reputation to speak up for him. And it was probably the biggest reason he wasn't halfway through a ten-year prison sentence.

Frost: I figured I owed it to you to find a way to keep going. And here I am.

A ghost of a grin, reminiscent of that which she used to often flash to those she knew well, danced across her face.

Nicholotti: That, Liam, is a gift. For all you did for me, even after my death, I am glad I could give something back.

Besides, the universe would have been a much colder place without the warmth brought to it by old friends. He deserved a fairer shot, perhaps, but fate, and the universe had a strange way of leading you home. She could still remember the young, cocky pilot on his first days, and a much younger version of herself laughing at one who reminded her very much of her own antics. All told, they had been given something special and time had taken it away.

But the end wasn’t always the end.

Frost: Luckily for me the Bajorans were happy to bring someone with my experience on board.

Nicholotti: Lucky for the Bajorans, someone with your experience was available.

For a moment, Kali settled into silence, both comfortable next to one of her oldest and most trusted friends, and uncomfortable in knowing just how much was left unsaid.

Nicholotti: For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.

He wondered silently what she might have thought she had to be sorry for. Knowing her there were probably a dozen or more things that she thought were her fault, or her responsibility. Regardless of whether or not they actually were. Some of that was a natural part of the burden of command. At the end of the day, the decisions made by those under your command were ultimately your responsibility. If you didn't like the ones they made, the burden was on you to teach them better for the next time. It was a weight he was keenly familiar with.

But in a much more real way, this was just Kali being Kali. She had always been the type to carry the weight of others on her own shoulders. Even to her own detriment at times. She was often utterly unable, or unwilling, to let others carry burdens she believed herself to be able to carry for them. Even when she appeared to be overestimating her own abilities. In many ways it garnered her the respect and the trust of those under her command faster than just about any other officer Liam had met. And the value of that trust was immeasurable. But it also meant that it was hard to separate oneself from the inevitable negatives that came with command. Every wound, every tragedy, was felt that much more keenly, cut that much deeper. And Liam was absolutely sure it was that same sense that had led her to sacrifice herself, rather than order a member of her crew to their death.

And the uncomfortable truth was that he had at least some idea of how she felt. He had given the order for the Apollo to fire on a ship commanded by a terrorist. There were 1300 people on that ship. He lived with it because just about every regulation in the book said he had been justified in doing so, and the Board of Inquiry had agreed. What was less easy to live with was Vanessa Driscoll. He had ordered a young woman in the prime of her career on an away mission that she would never return from. She was a victim of a civil war that had started long before Liam had even thought of joining Starfleet, left on a planet that few in the Federation had ever even heard of.

There was another possibility as well, though. And that was simply that she felt sympathy for him.

Frost: Don't be. You did more for me than I could have ever asked. And as bad as it was, the chances of dying in the process were pretty low.

The things that everyone had gone through after she had gone into the void, essentially killing herself, had left quite the storm in her wake. The fact that she stood there now was a miracle of time and the thought stream on the other side of the Scar, but it certainly had not been promised, nor part of the plan. Still, she stood by the actions.

Nicholotti: I still would have done it, even knowing, but, maybe I would have walked away a little bit differently.

The question hadn't been asked explicitly, but it was clearly enough implied, at least between the two of them. There were people that he could say he was closer to in some ways, but it would be a mistake to dismiss the familiarity that serving together the way he had with Kali created. And in a way, being out of the uniform made it that much easier, knowing that there were no protocols and regulations to dance around either.

Being able to look back and see things for what they were, her final words to those she loved, those she respected and cared about, for everyone involved...they would have been different. She would have hugged Jaxx a bit tighter that last time, spoken softer and with more understanding to Silveira, and let everyone know just what they meant to her.

Frost: Yeah, I know that feeling.

Leaving behind someone who had died was never easy. It left wounds that took a long time to heal, if at all. But there was a finality to it. There was time enough to wonder what if, but no amount of wondering would change the way things were. What was often harder was the ones that were still around. He could think of a few names on that list. People that he wanted to reach out to. To explain. To apologize. To say a thousand or more words that he hadn't known how to say before. Or been too frightened to say. And if he was going to be perfectly honest, one of the biggest reasons he hadn't reached out was that he was still too frightened. Whether it was true or not, he had it in his mind that most of them wouldn't be too thrilled to hear from him.

Nicholotti: And we all have our demons that we carry with us to the grave. Sometimes not even that can shed them.

Frost: Well that's an uncharacteristically bleak take.

Kali nodded. Perhaps it was, but no one really knew what she had been living since the Resolution’s tango with the time loop.

The Kali that Liam had first gotten to know could best be described as an optimistic realist. She believed that the best outcomes were possible, but that they wouldn't happen if one wasn't prepared to work for them. She also believed in preparing for the worst outcomes as well. At least to the extent that one could prepare for such a thing. By just about any measure, Kali had been through one of the worst possible outcomes someone could experience. She had, by every existing definition, died. People generally did not come back from that sort of thing. And yet here she was. He had to assume that an experience like that would change a person, though he couldn't begin to truly fathom how.

Nicholotti: Let’s just say I’ve been reliving history as of late.

Her crystalline blues flicked upwards and met his eyes, holding them for a long moment.

For the briefest moment, it seemed that something changed in her. He couldn't quite put into words how it looked, or even be sure if it was something he could actually see. It was as though she were somehow outside herself, as if she were looking in on this moment as an observer, or an audience member, rather than being a part of it. Perhaps that was some sort of leftover effect from what she went through in the rift. He couldn't imagine what it would have been like. He had been unconscious before. And perhaps from her perspective being dead wasn't all that different. You were aware of something one moment, then, all of a sudden, you were aware of something completely different, with little to no memory or understanding of what had happened in between those two moments. It was only the people around you who could tell you exactly what had happened in those intervening moments. And that was where things really hit you.

Nicholotti: Or perhaps my sins are haunting me. Either way, it brings me peace to know you’re alright.

And it did. With so many connections lost, it was a relief to know that at least one had survived. The once fresh-faced ensign-turned-captain-turned-civilian had quite literally walked through his own hell, but he was there. He was alive. He had survived just like she had, in a way.

Frost: I've got more than enough skeletons to fill my closet.

There was a long list of names of people he felt like he had done wrong by, that he owed an apology to. He wasn't sure how many of them would be willing to hear one from him. And to say nothing of those that weren't around to hear one even if they would.

Frost: Prophets know there's enough people that I owe an apology to. Or at least a better explanation than the one I gave them.

He gave her a deliberate look and raised his glass in her direction.

Frost: But at least I can cross one name off that list.

Kali nodded. She understood and grabbed her own glass, raising it in return.

Nicholotti: One of perhaps many. Maybe you should keep going.

There was something cathartic in the process of reconnecting, of speaking thoughts that had weighed heavily on the mind for years and years. When you share life, and death, with people the way that a Starfleet crew did, a bond gets built that is difficult to tear down, especially as quickly as some of the transfers come. When things happen, such as her death, that change, that transition becomes even more complicated. Second chances didn’t happen often.

Frost: Well considering this one went better than I expected that it might, I might just have to.

He had always found it awkward to reach out to someone that he hadn't spoken to in a while. Especially when it got to the point where he had become very aware of how long he had let things go without doing so. And all things considered, it was just about time that he found a way to get over that and start to mend some fences. Or at least offer to. And if they weren't interested in hearing him out, he could at least say that he tried.

That got him a smile. The voices in the back of her mind lingered, ever threatening, but for the moment they remained quelled by a very loud, and very real voice from her past sitting right in front of her. And even with the years that had gone by, even with the history that had passed between them, there was still something worth sharing. There was still wisdom, camaraderie, and friendship.

Nicholotti: Time is a fickle thing. We never really know when it’s done, but until it is, it’s never too late to start over.

Her own advice resonated through her mind as the images of a painted sky danced in her mind. Tiny drops of color shared between two minds, emotions passing between barriers that didn’t really exist save for the non-telepaths reminded her of chances at life, at happiness and at love. She saw the ideas reflected in her friend’s eyes as well.

He held up his glass to her once again.

Frost: To new beginnings.

Kali raised her glass again, this time with a broad smile.

Frost: I suppose it's entirely possible I'm just in my own head about how long it's been.

Drinking what was left down, Kali shook her head.

Nicholotti: No, it’s been that long, but I meant what I said. It’s not too late until it’s over.

Liam found it reassuring to know that at least he wasn't starting from scratch. He had begun the process a few times, though he'd done little in the way of follow-through. He had a more or less complete list of names. And had even managed to confirm that most of them were still in Starfleet. Or at least had Starfleet-adjacent careers. But that was the easy part.

With eyes that fell on the planet drifting lazily beyond the window, it shocked her when it momentarily disappeared. Replaced, again, by the image of the Scar jutting across the sky, Kali’s eyes narrowed as the voices in her mind suddenly grew louder and the surrounding area grew dimmer and colder. Time was, indeed, a fickle thing. Even she understood the meaning. She closed her eyes for a long moment until the warmth returned.

Frost: I hope the folks on my list share that sentiment.

And when she opened them, he was there next to her again. She smiled knowingly, looking over at him.

Nicholotti: Don’t waste it, Liam. Don’t waste whatever you have left. Find them, tell them. Say what you need to say.

And there was the other half. The insightful and sincere Kali. The one who was, when called upon, able to make an emotional appeal that was in every way as convincing as raw Vulcan logic. It was a side of her that he always felt struck a delicate balance. He had seen it often enough to know that it was utterly genuine. But just rare enough to know just how important it was to her. Which only made it that much more convincing. He smiled again. There was a weight, small enough that he had almost forgotten he was carrying it, that seemed to drift out of the room.

Frost: Hey, just because you aren't my superior officer anymore doesn't mean I don't know how to follow a sensible order.

The dull roar in her head was returning and she knew something was up. The draw to find Addison was real, though she was certainly sure she had no idea what to say when she found her. Kali shook her head. She stood, moved towards him and put a hand on his shoulder.

Nicholotti: Promise me you won’t be a stranger? You just need to call. I’ll be there.

A whole new level of seriousness flowed through her crystalline blues as she looked at him. Her grip was perhaps a bit too tight, not wanting to let go, but knowing that time itself was messing with her. She did what she could to lock this moment, this memory up tight and keep it safe.

And there it was. He knew it was coming, but it still hit him like a punch in the gut. He had told himself at least a hundred times that it was something he needed to do. But he had just as often managed to find a reason to avoid it. But it was a lot harder to ignore it when it was coming from someone else. And even more so when it was someone he admired and respected as much as Kali. They had been through too much together for that, too many times she had trusted his decisions, too many times she had put faith in him to keep everyone under her command safe, to say nothing about what she had been through herself since then. As hard as it was to hear her say it to him, ignoring it at this point would be an insult to everything they had been through together.

Frost: I promise. And if you ever find yourself anywhere near Bajor, my door is open. I know a place near my house that serves a Bajoran shrimp stir-fry so good it'll make you want to move here.

And then she smiled, loosening her hand slightly just before turning to go.

Nicholotti: Good. I look forward to it.

She might have left it at that, and walked away, but she took only one step before she stopped and turned back.

Nicholotti: Liam. Thank you. For everything. Always.

Liam smiled in her direction again. It was odd to have her thanking him. The way he saw it the balance of favour owed leaned heavily in her direction. He knew she would never have made anything of it, but he was quite firm in his belief that he owed her more than he could ever hope to repay. He liked to think that he had become at least a touch more humble since he had first graduated the Academy, full of bravado and with so much to prove. And one of the reasons for it was the selflessness that the crews he served with had shown. Their willingness to put themselves out for others and for who and what they believed in.

Frost: it's nothing you wouldn't have done for me.

For as much success as he had earned in his life, he still had trouble properly accepting genuine thanks. He made a mental note to try and work on that as well. As he watched her turn to leave, he became very suddenly aware of a weight near his chest. But unlike before, this weight was very much real rather than metaphorical.

Frost: Kali?

He reached into the inner pocket of his jacket and pulled out a small datachip.

She leaned her head slightly to the side and offered him a questioning look before her eyes narrowed in on the chip itself.

Nicholotti: What’s this?

Frost: I'm not sure what right I have to ask for favours, but maybe you could help start this whole process along a bit.

The road toward absolution was a rocky one, and it was always better to travel with friends. Kali knew this first hand. Overwhelmed with feelings of loneliness as a result of her own, self-fabricated walls, she envied his strength, and certainly did not spurn his request in any way.

Nicholotti: I’d be honored to. What is it?

He hesitated a moment before he held out the small chip for her. He knew that once he handed her the chip, there was going to be no going back on this process. And maybe that was what he needed.

Frost: It's a message for an old friend that I've been meaning to deliver.

There was hesitation, but Kali understood. She gave him his time, despite the flickering of the lights. Time be damned, some things would stand its test. Her boots were planted. She would stand.

Nicholotti: Who do I get it to?

There was her solid agreement, her promise, to get it to where it needed to go, even before she knew where it was going.

Frost: Randal Shayne. Last I checked he was the CO of the USS Arrow. He was assigned to the Gemini out of the Academy. Always took a shine to him. He kind of reminded me of… well… me.

Kali couldn’t help but grin. She remembered a very young Ensign Frost, bright eyed, raring to go, confident to the hilt, complete with every bit of swagger that a good pilot should have had - and all of the skills to back it up. The raven-haired command officer had taken a liking to him immediately, having seen perhaps a bit of herself in that reflection. It must have been a pilot thing, because her recent mentee, Shayne, was so very similar.

The years had tempered Liam, perhaps, but the skill remained, and the experiences had shaped him into one hell of a man.

Nicholotti: Full of life with a side of a pilot’s ostentation?

Frost: Yeah. And also with a lot to prove.

He handed over the chip, knowing that it was now officially out of his hands. It wasn't too bad. At least he knew that Randal was hoping to hear from him, which made the process easier, though slightly more embarrassing that he hadn't done so sooner. But there was nothing that he could do about it now.

Taking the chip, Kali nodded an understanding. The bridges would begin their mending now, at least for him. For her...the lights dimmed slightly, momentarily, as she slipped the chip safely away.

Nicholotti: The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Frost: Well I gotta start somewhere.

Nodding, she offered him one last, knowing smile.

Nicholotti: Perhaps today we start together.

Her crystalline eyes held his gaze for a moment longer than she meant to, making it hard to turn away, but she knew it was coming. It took work, but she said one final, silent farewell to her old friend and turned away, leaving the lounge and doing her best to make her way to her quarters before she time-jumped again.

Or before the tears fell.

Whichever came first.

TBC

-- Fleet Captain Kalianna Nicholotti
Commanding Officer
USS Resolution
R238605KN0

And

Major Liam Frost
Senior Flight Instructor
Bajoran Military Academy
Former Commanding Officer, USS Gemini

Return to Kalianna Nicholotti.