T'Mar Torn

JP Lt. JG T'Mar & PNPC Lt. JG Zage Bolani- Torn (No Tags)

((Outside Bolani’s Quarters, USS Apollo))

T’Mar stood in front of Zage’s Quarters, waiting to see if he would respond. She had come on a whim of sorts. Somehow the man had become a.. companion of sorts and right now she needed that comfort. Viktor’s words had pierced her, as much as she did not want to admit it. She was failing as a Vulcan. She wanted acceptance, as illogical as it was it was true. She had made a decision on that planet and now he hated her. Sun probably did too. Nothing anyone said could reassure her that she had been right. For the first time in her life she experienced guilt and she desperately wanted it gone.::

((Bolani’s Quarters, USS Apollo))

Sitting in his quarters, he had just got out of the shower. He had kept rather busy and even brought some work back to his quarters to get caught up on a few things. Even though the Chief was only off of the ship for a short time, he had to do quite a bit. When the captain decided to transport over to the freighter, he knew there would be some parts of his report that were going to be hard to write. None of the senior officers were aboard to ask him to reconsider, and even though Starfleet captains were prohibited from leading away missions in hostile situations, there was no stopping him. Though at the same time, he realized that since his CO was a flag officer, things were a bit different. He could always play that card if he wanted to, and Zage expected things would be interesting if he ever tried to do it while Lanius and Frost were on the ship. As Zage glanced to the door, he could sense T’Mar on the other side of it. He put on a pair of shorts and moved toward the door.::

((Outside Bolani’s Quarters, USS Apollo))

So. There she stood. Her only hope was behind that door. She probably looked a mess and she found herself caring that she did not look good in front of him. She had not had a sonic shower since returning, so she still had dirt and grime all over.. at least it felt like it was everywhere. The door opened and there he was.::

T’Mar: I require your assistance.. ::Her eyes filled with tears as she struggled to keep her emotions suppressed::

Zage looked at the woman in front of him. He could sense the raging storm deep within her. She had always had difficulty due to her genetic heritage. It was not easy being two races that were polar opposites. One worked to suppress emotions, and the other worked to embrace them. He could tell that things were not going very well for her. He imagined things were hard on the surface, but had not really had the time to look into any of the data they had on the subject. At the same time, he doubted the staff on the surface had the time to file their reports. He moved out of the way and pointed toward the inside of his quarters.::

Bolani: Please...come in.

((Bolani’s Quarters, USS Apollo))

As she moved in, Zage followed her in. He was curious what had happened, but decided to let her speak. He did not want to read too much into the fact that she was standing in his doorway, looking pretty ragged or the fact that there was a slight overproduction of tears building in her eyes. It was something he never saw before. Tears almost did not go with the pointy ears.::

T’Mar made her way into Zage’s Quarters, desperate for help. Before giving him a chance to speak, she blurted out what was wrong.::

T’Mar: I can’t stop feeling his anger... He hates me.. ::A single teardrop ran down her cheek::

Bolani: ::puzzled:: Who hates you?

T’Mar: I shouldn’t discuss details. ::She started to feel anxious. She never should have come. It wasn’t appropriate. It was like she had abandoned the logic that had influenced her decision..::

Bolani: Okay, so what can I do?

T’Mar: I... I did not want to be alone. I keep feeling the wrath and it makes me feel.. feel... horrible. ::She looked into his eyes, knowing he would be able to sense her turmoil::

He squinted his eyes as he tried to figure things out. On top of the Vulcan/Betazoid issue, she was a woman. They had the innate ability to talk in circles without ever really saying anything. He hated to admit that he understood women less than Vulcans. Now, he felt like he was down in the count, two to one.::

Bolani: I am aware of how you feel.  ::pointing to the sofa:: Please, sit.

T’Mar: I was hoping you could help me suppress what I am sensing. It does not work when I try. I have never experienced this before. ::She complied with his request to sit, although she wanted to pace back and forth::

Bolani: What is the harder part to deal with? You mentioned the wrath you feel, and then the feelings it causes you to feel. Which is worse?

T’Mar: It is hard to distinguish. They are so intertwined. I believe the wrath is worse. It was at me. At ME! I sense the wrath and the feeling comes back. It’s cyclical.

Bolani: There is quite a bit that you are looking at right now. On one hand, you were able to sense the anger from whoever “he” is, and at the same time it has caused you to have your own feelings. You have completely lost your center, and therefore your control.

Closing his eyes for a second, Zage attempted to project a feeling of calm. If she could allow her focus to shift and pick up on it, she might have been able to center her empathic abilities enough to suppress her own feelings. It was quite complicated, and the more she dwelled on her feelings, the worse it would get. This was fairly new to her and the struggles were tough for someone that had issues controlling the different feelings.::

What he said made sense. It was like when she first beamed aboard.. So much had happened and the lack of meditation had caused her to lose focus. With the constant sensing of the wrath, it was throwing off her entire mental workings. T’Mar watched as Zage closed his eyes. How nice it was to have someone to trust. She had not known him long, but he was so willing to help her.::

T’Mar: I have tried to suppress my emotions, but it has failed. Where do I begin? ::It seemed ironic that a Vulcan would ask a Betazoid how to regain her mental control, but here she was..::

Bolani: The first step is to suppress the outside emotions that are influencing your own. You cannot suppress yours until there is no outside interference.

T’Mar: But how?! ::Her frustration rose to the surface. She wanted this gone. She wanted to be in control again. And she wanted to no longer care what others thought of her decision...::

Bolani: Focus on me, and close your eyes.  ::pausing as she complied:: Now, take a few deep breaths.

As she began her breathing, he grabbed a PADD off of the table. He cycled through a list and hit a command. The room started filling up with the sounds of a distant waterfall. It was a sound from home and one he played at night to help him fall asleep. Though he was out in space, he felt as if he were home on Betazed when he heard it. It made him feel safe and peaceful.::

T’Mar closed her eyes and focused on Bolani. She began taking slow, deep breaths when the suddenly sounds of a waterfall entered the room. It almost startled her, which only confirmed how rattled she was. She tried to focus on the calm that Zage was exuding.::

T’Mar: Now what do I do?

Bolani: Slowly the negative feelings will dissipate. What are you feeling right now?

She thought about it. It should be a simple question, but every time it was asked it seemed so loaded.::

T’Mar: I still feel the wrath towards me. And I feel.. hurt and.. guilt. Conflicted.

Bolani: What led to those feelings?

T’Mar: I made a decision. It was the logical choice, but it seems it was not the ethically right choice. It never occurred to me to make a choice based on ethics not logic. The conflict is whether a logical mind set is the right mind set. I feel I have made enemies out of crewmates and that is causing.. guilt. ::It was hard for her to say it out loud. She did not mention that she felt guilty for not keeping her calm and losing control of her emotions for the second time today.::

Bolani: Ah...you find yourself caught between two boulders.

T’Mar kept her focus on him as he spoke. There was something about being around Zage that was calming in itself, which under normal circumstances she would resist, but this was not a normal circumstance.::

T’Mar: Even if they determine I was not wrong, how do I make peace with the anger and betrayal that my decision caused towards myself?

Bolani: One day at a time. But, the good news is that you are not alone. Sure, it is rare for you to feel it but can you imagine what it feels like to make those choices on a day to day basis? Can you imagine how anyone on the senior staff can give an order and truly deal with it. It is not easy and something you have not had practice with.

T’Mar returned to breathing deeply. He was right, of course. Before they continued on, she grabbed his hand and looked in his eyes.::

T’Mar: Thank you for this, Lieutenant.

Zage could not help but glance down and look at her hand. He found it easy to mask his feelings for her when she was not around. He found it rather difficult to do when they were together. If she ever picked up on it, she did not act as if she did. He felt bad for her on so many levels. She would have been happy as a traditional Vulcan...but the Betazoid heritage messed with the chances of that happening.::

Bolani: I..uh.. ::pausing:: You are welcome. I can see you are having a rough day.  ::giggled slightly:: Focus on pushing the negative feelings from your mind. It will now be a focus, and one you will have while meditating tonight.

For a moment T’Mar thought she sensed something rather unexpected from Zage, but it was quickly followed by an overwhelming sense of uncomfortableness. Clearly she had overstepped her bounds. She mentally kicked herself and removed her hand from his.::

T’Mar: I understand. ::She paused:: It is still difficult for me to focus, however. Do you have any suggestions?

Bolani: I would recommend a bubble bath, but it is probably illogical to have ‘bubbles in one’s bath.’

He made a silly blank look as mimicked Vulcan speaking patterns. It was funny to him, and it was meant to liven the mood a bit. T’Mar was having a battle of ethics versus logic. There were times when the right thing to do, was not always the right thing to do.::

Bolani: ::smiling as he shook his head:: But seriously though...you are facing what many first year cadets face. In close quarters with the same people day in and day out, things can get tense. Decisions are made in the field. Anyone that has worn this uniform long enough to see an away mission, knows that. Give it some time and you will be able to clear your feelings and back to logic.

T’Mar raised an eyebrow at his remark to a bubble bath. At times she wondered if he was mocking her.. But once again he made good points to the situation. This was her first real away mission and the first time that she had been required to make a life or death decision. Sure, she had gone through training scenarios, but this was different. While she had been able to handle the logical side, she was not prepared to handle the emotional reactions of her crewmates. She once again found herself wishing she was fully Vulcan. Logic provided order from chaos.. She did not know how to truly deal with emotions.::

T’Mar: Sooner than later would be preferable.. ::She concentrated on pushing away the wrath that had been poisoning her earlier::

In his mind the Vulcan logic was like a safe haven for her. Things were calm, cool and constantly in order. It was a very structured species, and those routines helped keep her grounded. If it were not for the Vulcan heritage and upbringing, she would have had to deal with it years ago.

Bolani: I you don’t mind me asking, which of your parents are half Betazoid?

T’Mar was taken aback by the question::

T’Mar: My mother, T’Pri. Why do you ask?

Bolani: I was just curious. Anyway, has the rage eased up at all?

T’Mar: Some. I am gaining more control, however I still feel it.

She tried not to get frustrated that it was not working as fast as she would like. It was rather counterproductive, really. As she spoke, she noted that her PADD had recieved a message from Ra, no doubt it was time to meet him and Lanius::

T’Mar: I am afraid I must go.

Bolani: Keep focusing on pushing it out and center your own. If you need to take breaks more often, do it. Then meditate as soon as you can tonight. You should be able to get some rest afterwards.

Standing up he moved toward the door with T’Mar. He had faith that she would be okay, and being back aboard the ship would help her remain calm. At the same time, it was all guesswork for Zage. He found the combination odd, and noticed it would not be easy. He was just happy to be someone for her to talk to. Usually it would be a counselor, but it was more informal than it was an issue.::

T’Mar stood and moved toward the door with Zage, almost sad to leave him. She would have felt better had they been able to get her emotions more in check before the meeting, however this was still better than her condition when she had arrived::

T’Mar: I will be sure to do so. Unfortunately there was no time on the surface.. ::She looked deeply into the man’s eyes, allowing him the opportunity to sense just how grateful she was::

Thank you again for your assistance, Lieutenant.

Bolani: Anytime. My door is always open.  ::smiling::

The corner of her mouth crept up the tiniest bit, hinting at what could possibly be construed as a smile. Almost immediately, T’Mar corrected herself. Clearly she was still in need of more meditation, but she could at least focus on that on the way to the meeting.::

T’Mar: I will remember that. Perhaps I will come by again..

She bowed slightly and left to meet Ra. Her mind wandering to Zage. She thought of him more often than she should.. something that she would never admit to anyone. She sighed and worked on regaining focus and control over her emotions.. she would need that control if Lanius lashed out again...::

TBC

---

Lieutenant JG T’Mar

Chief Security Officer

USS Apollo, NCC-71669

&

PNPC Lieutenant JG Zage Bolani

Security Officer

USS Apollo, NCC-71669

as simmed by:

Fleet Captain Andrus Jaxx

Commanding Officer

USS Apollo, NCC-71669

Captains Council Magistrate