SIM:LtCmd Emirry MacGowan & LtCmd Arista Devar: Nightmares Revealed

((Sickbay: USS Eagle, Stardate 238506.18))

MacGowan: So, talk to me. What's been going on?

Devar: Argh, let’s see…

::She hesitated.::

Devar: …where to begin?

MacGowan: Just dive right in. It’s easier that way.

Devar: I think… I think what’s been bothering me most lately are my nightmares.

::Arista Devar looked up to Em, her hazel eyes sparkling with honesty and sadness. Emirry gazed at her with utter empathy. She was no stranger to plaguing nightmares.::

MacGowan: Tell me about them. ::Emirry held back her own emotions, like a good counselor should. Now wasn’t the time for memories to come snipping back.::

::Arista reclined back in the chair.::

Devar: The nightmares started right after my first mission to Cart'hen III. I usually do dream at night but the nightmares that I have been having are reoccurring and are so vivid. They are so real and they… they scare me, Em.

MacGowan: I understand. ::She paused.:: Do you have any idea why now? Or, why Cart’hen III?

Devar: I think it’s because the planet and its people remind me so much of my life before Starfleet. You would think growing up in such a place as the “infamous Mirror Universe”, to quote my former Science Professor, would prepare me for such an awful Environment but it only haunts me.

::She paused then continued with her raspy voice.::

Devar: I try to act all composed and confident, because I am a Starfleet officer and I have to push all personal reservations aside to get the job done.

::It seemed as if Arista was trying to coach herself along as she raised her eyebrows.::

Devar: But I would be lying if I said Cart’hen III didn’t affect me in that way.

MacGowan: Sometimes, that happens because we haven’t fully dealt with our past yet. ::She leaned back, her dark eyes caring and sympathetic.:: Can you tell me a little more about your nightmares?

Devar: The nightmares don’t deal with the planet in particular, but other things. Cart’hen only triggers them.

MacGowan: What do they deal with?

Devar: They…

::The blonde Betazoid bit her lower lip as she felt her cheeks grow hot. She couldn’t help it. A trail of tears trickled down her face and she wiped them away with the backs of her hands. She took a moment to center herself.::

Devar: I don’t mean to get all emotional here.

MacGowan: It’s alright.

::Arista sighed and swallowed. Her heart rate jumped as she whispered.::

Devar: My husband, Em. My dreams or nightmares or whatever you want to call them. They deal with my husband and daughter. Both passed away six years ago.

::She controlled herself and the tears dried, leaving only red eyes. There were few people in the Fleet that knew about her family. She didn’t really have plans to discuss her personal woes with just anyone, but Arista knew she could trust Em with this information.::

::Emirry opened a drawer in her desk and took out a container of tissues. She placed it on her desk in front of Arista. Emirry stood and briefly walked to the replicator in her office. She ordered a glass of cool water. For half a moment Em hesitated at the replicator. Personal loss like the one Arista spoke of was something Emirry, as an El-Aurian hybrid, feared deeply. However, she hadn’t experienced it.::

::She took a breath and turned back to Devar. On the way to her seat she placed the glass of water down in front of her.::

MacGowan: Here. Sip this.

::Emirry looked down at her, her eyes softly smiling. Em decided to sit in the seat next to Arista this time.::

MacGowan: I know it’s difficult to handle something like this. And even more so while trying to do your job. But you’re taking the right first step in talking to someone.

Devar: I know you’re right but it all makes me feel weak.

MacGowan: I think it shows strength. Something you have an abundance of. ::She leaned forward slightly and spoke a little softer.:: Even if you don’t realize it all the time. ::Em gave a small smile and leaned back.::

Devar: Thanks. It’s just…

::Arista sniffed and rubbed her nose with a tissue, not looking directly at the other woman. Em’s warmth eased the tension.::

MacGowan: I don’t have all the answers for you, but I can help you while you search for them.

::Em’s willingness to help and listen was just what Arista needed. Hazel eyes look to Em’s for guidance.::

Devar: Where do I go from here?

MacGowan: My best advice right now is get everything out. Everything you’re feeling, just get it off your chest. No matter how miniscule, no matter how monumental. Put it all out there.

::The onslaught of melancholic emotions lifted slightly, parting the fog and allowing the blonde to think more clearly. She sorted through the details in her mind and, after a few seconds of silence, they started to bluntly reveal themselves in her voice.::

Devar: I lost Adam and Jasmine…

::She cringed as the names of her husband and daughter were brought out to the open but her words did not skip a beat.::

Devar: …in a world much like Cart’hen III. Do you think that’s why, whenever I’m on that wretched planet, I have horrible dreams about them?

MacGowan: Especially since you consciously see so many connections between the two.

Devar: Do you think it could be connected to my PTSD, too?

MacGowan: I think your PTSD makes it more intense, and probably harder to deal with.

Devar: Maybe so. It’s just been hard trying to sort out even after all these years and my life now. Starfleet was the one that gave me the news that they had passed away, but for some reason I have disbelief in that.

MacGowan: ::Em gave a curious look.:: Why’s that?

::Arista sighed and rolled used tissues in her hands.::

Devar: The trans-dimensional rift that brought me to this timeline has never been discovered. How can Starfleet really know that they are gone? I guess that’s what torments me so much. Who am I to say otherwise, especially when Intel says this one thing, you know? I guess my heart wants them to be alive.

MacGowan: ::Em nodded.:: That’s absolutely understandable. You don’t have very much closure.

Devar: Somewhere, deep inside, I knew and wished I could have done more. My daughter was only a few hours old when we were separated. I never had the chance to bond with her like a mother should.

::Em’s voice was soothing.::

MacGowan: You have to let the guilt go, find acceptance that it’s not your fault… ::She paused.:: Tell me about your husband.

Devar: Adam?

MacGowan: ::Em gave a small nod.:: Mhmm.

::Arista looked down, focusing her sight on the rolling tissues, and continued in a whisper.::

Devar: Adam and I met right after I was brought into an Alliance mining camp. He was the right hand man to my Overseer but it was all a façade. He was actually a Terran Resistance fighter under the guise of a genetically enhanced Klingon-Human hybrid. It had taken him years to build the Overseer’s trust but he used his status to work the system from the inside out. Out of the darkness from my years there, his gentleness towards me evolved into love and we managed to have an affair that defied the system we were prisoners in.

::Taking a breath, she looked to Em for encouragement. Her voice was almost inaudible.::

Devar: He would use his status to protect me to a degree and we would sneak rendezvous behind storage doors or Adam would arrange meetings in his own quarters under cover stories. It all grew sloppy and it would later prove disastrous because, while we were able to keep the relationship under the radar for a number of years, even managing to marry in a simple to-the-point ceremony, the Overseer caught wind and it all went downhill from there. My pregnancy was the initial cause of speculation and, when the child was born, suspicions were confirmed.

::Emirry’s heart ached for this woman, but knew under her pain was strength and hope. In a supportive gesture, Em reached out and put her hand on Arista’s.::

Devar: Adam went missing for a couple of days after our love affair was discovered. The Overseer, unable to unleash his wrath on the man he trusted for a decade, lashed out on me and kept me from my daughter. When Adam finally showed with his men in a grand and fiery fashion, bombing the mining facility, he didn’t explain much of anything. His main concern was helping me escape, answers to come later. He stayed behind to search for Jasmine and rescue her, saying he would find his way back to me. He never has, six years later. Those were my last memories of them. We had so many dreams of what our lives together would be when we were finally free. I was foolish to believe they would be anything but dreams.

::She hung her head in silence, unmoving, with golden ringlets of hair hiding her face. The heartache was palpable.::

MacGowan: Dreaming’s never foolish.

Devar: Em, I… I still love him. Do you know what it’s like being in love with a ghost? It’s like a part of you is missing and, no matter what you try to do to encourage positive energy that black part of your heart is always there.

::She looked up, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. A hand raised to her nose, wiping it gently.::

MacGowan: ::Em handed her a tissue.:: It’s alright to cry.

Devar: I guess I’m a really messed up girl. The only thing that has held any substance in my life since has been Starfleet and being the best person I can be with what has been dealt to me.

MacGowan: You’re not messed up, you’ve just been through a lot. And having the focus you do on your career, is more then most could manage.

Devar: I still find myself hoping to see him mysteriously appear at my door with our child in his arms, though the likelihood of that happening is nil. I suppose that’s my heart’s wishful thinking.

MacGowan: But if holding on to that helps you, then why not? ::Em gave a soft smile.::

::Arista's face warmed into a small smile.::

Devar: I do feel better talking about it all. I feel like I’ve rambled on, though, and I’m sure you have other things to do.

MacGowan: ::Em sighed a little.:: I suppose I do. ::She stood:: The next time you feel like talking, don’t hesitate to find me. Alright?  ::She smiled.::

Devar: I am… very grateful for that. Thank you.

::The two of them walked into the main part of sickbay. In confiding in Em, Arista felt relief and at peace for the first time in months.::

LtCmd Emirry Rayn MacGowan
CMO, USS Eagle

&

LtCmd Arista Devar
ACMO, USS Eagle