SIM:Kevin Breeman - Human and Autism, Vulcan and Emotion
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Characters
Summary
Kevin tells T'tala that he is autistic.
Sim
- Lt. Kevin Breeman - Human and Autism, Vulcan and Emotion*
((OOC: lol, I'll let my character go first. Not sure if T'tala cries because Kevin's vision is a tad.... blurry :) ))
((SB118 - Dry Dock Commercial Sector))
T'tala: I do not meant to pry, but may I ask... is the issue treatable?
::He didn't know. His entire life he had been ignorant of this disease,
perceiving only a vague fog around him as though something was about to form
and take solid shape but always faded away at the final moment. It had been
there behind every strange look from others, every odd idea. When he'd seen
the ancient vids and been overly frightened by oncoming faces or been unable
to contain his excitement at the sight of images of sophisticated symbols or
machinery. He had never seen another child flap his hands or walk briskly,
the sheer power of imagination and thought impelling him to move faster and
faster. These had all been unique to him, things away from which his mother
had done her best to guide him.::
Breeman: I'm not really sure.
::He wasn't sure he had a disease and he wasn't sure it could be treated.
He wasn't sure where he ended and the disease began.::
T'tala: That, too, is regrettable. If I can do anything to assist... let me know. I will give it my best effort.
::Kevin smiled at the irony. Her stumblings had done wonders for him
already.::
Breeman: Thank you.
::He felt a sense of relief and yet also disappointment in himself for not
telling her what it was that afflicted him when she changed the subject.::
T'tala: What was your previous posting like? Do you have anyone else- any friends- who will be joining you from there?
::He thought back to his smileys, to Henk. They had been sent to live on
the station, in the habitation module. He knew they would be somewhere
aboard, deep down below. He remembered reading something about Ens.
Da'Pan's having been transferred off the Ronin.::
Breeman: I'm not sure. What about you?
T'tala: No. I...
::He watched her face, saw in her eyes something akin to sadness. It was
another terrifying emotion and he forced himself to experience it as well.
Empathy burned into him, branding his mind and overwhelming him like an
alien thought swarming him. Swarming him like so many insects... on
Draconis Gamma. He shoved the thought from his mind.::
T'tala: was hoping that my mate would be recovered enough from his injuries to join me at what will obviously become my new posting, but it was not to be.
::What should he say? She was a Vulcan. She could handle it. Could she?
Was Kevin now being inconsiderate by asking what he asked?::
Breeman: What happened?
::He saw something of the emotion in T'tala's face retreat. Her eyes, her
lips, everything was less noisy and overwhelming than had had been seconds
before.::
T'tala: He lost his heart, a significant amount of lung tissue- burned out by Marari's particle cannon. He was but a whisper from death... so I touched his mind, briefly, during the surgery.
::Kevin winced and nodded, screwing up his face slightly and then relaxing.
He could see her eyes moving strangely. Instinctively he knew something
inside of her hurt badly even though he'd never seen something like this
before. He'd always been too afraid to look, to see into other people the
way they always tried to see into him.::
Breeman: You used a -- ::He wasn't sure if he would sound like he was making a stereotype if he suggested she'd used a mind meld but...:: -- You telepathically saved him?
::She spoke more quietly now and Kevin had to lean forward to hear.::
T'tala: You must understand... he... he is nineteen and frightened. I am... I am not human. My thoughts are so very, completely different to his. I-I'm sure he found me pleasurable, warm to hold and someone with whom he could bare his thoughts to, but... I do not believe he sees a future with me. And this is my fault entirely.
::Once again he didn't know what to say. This was an issue with which he
had very little experience. Or did he? There was something about this
conversation, about everyone he'd met so far, that was peculiar and perhaps
even exhilarating.::
Breeman: Are you sure? Sure he's human and you are Vulcan and with your concern with logic that might seem different but--
T'tala: I was not, am not, a good student of logic. I... have always felt emotion's tendrils wiggling their way into my mind. So, as the Terrans say, "I decided to see how far the rabbit hole goes". I wanted a partner for romantic experimentation. I told him so, explicitly, that it was an emotionless coupling- that I would move beyond him eventually. He accepted this and I held him to his word. I cannot fault him if... if he- if he... leaves when he finds out.
::He wondered if she had gotten to know him well.::
Breeman: Did you get to know him well? Are you sure he'll leave?
::She seemed deep in thought, very human and yet alien. Kevin, looking upon
her, felt his own humanity pushing up against him. It was something he'd
lost and rediscovered yet he couldn't remember when. Her eyes, her mouth,
and her entire being seemed to radiate sadness in a way Kevin had never seen
before and a part of him knew that had he merely been braver all these years
the image would have been so much more ordinary, taking its place with joy
or anger.::
Breeman: What if he's always wanted children?
::It was a naive question, he knew.::
T'tala: Response?
::When the conversation turned eventually to the injuries the two had
sustained in the line of duty Kevin remembered his brief ordeal held at
knifepoint. The Ixvapyan - Commodus had been his name - had gloated over
him, pressing the knife into his throat, beginning to draw blood.::
Breeman: I was... held at knife point. It wasn't really an injury. It took a bit to get over though.
::She leaned forward toward Kevin and he could feel again the strong
emotions coming from her eyes as they glimmered in the station's ambient
light.::
T'tala: If it took a while to get over, as you say, then it was an injury. Do not be dismissive of the harm it would have done to you.
::He listened as she continued,::
T'tala: The mind is just like any other organ... it can be damaged, malfunction and- it can be treated. I do not see how some people can pin medals on the chest of physically wounded individuals...
::She paused a moment. Kevin felt himself drifting back to his autism
again. Was his mind malfunctioning?::
T'tala: ... while dismissing those with mental wounds as "cowards".
::Her face grew sterner and Kevin felt himself tensing up, trying
desperately to figure out what to do or say next.::
T'tala: There is no shame in experiencing fear and distress when presented with ones own mortality... do not feel as though you need to hide your scars from me or anyone else.
::He thought back to the experience, to the overwhelming fear he'd felt.
His mind had been ablaze with it, the voices of his mentor engine silent.
Next he remembered the mission to DS-17, when those robotic flies had
swarmed him, injecting him with every possible kind of thought and emotion.
They'd taunted him, presented him with his greatest achievements, scorned
them, levelled them, raised him, crushed him. It had taken the ship's
counsellor to keep him stable, to bring him back from the edge of his
sanity.
He could hear the thoughts again from the flies, the impulses that turned to words on contact with his mind. "What's the matter? Other people's emotional outbursts overwhelming you? Awww.." Another memory landed on him before he could swat away the first. "That's right. Flap your hands around, like a good autistic."
He concentrated on the repetetive telepathic signals Cmdr Maria had sent him seconds later and slowly the flies receded again.
He nodded rapidly at T'tala.::
Breeman: I... I know. It was hard. It's always been harder. I never knew I had this disease and that was fine.. That...
::He was making an ass of himself. He could feel his throat tightening.::
Breeman: It was easier when I didn't know I had the... ::He had to say it.:: Autism.
T'tala: Response?
::By now he could feel a tear rolling down his left cheek.::
Breeman: Because now I don't even know if I can serve ... any ... more.
::He looked down and to the side, away from her face.::
T'tala: Response?
::He looked again at the now blurry form in front of him, realizing that
beside him was a gruff Klingon and another officer. He knew he had violated
every principle of manliness.::
Breeman: If I can't even function.. If I am defective and I have been all my life... ::He shook his head as a tear rolled down his other cheek. He whispered,:: I'm sorry. I don't know. You have no idea what kind of effect ... what you've been saying ... to me has had.
T'tala: Response?
::He laughed through his tears and sniffed, continuing,::
Breeman: Because you've been making so many of the same mistakes I have. You told me yourself. ::He swallowed and sniffed again.:: You weren't very good at practicing logic or being Vulcan. Well I haven't been very good at being ... human.
T'tala: Response?
TAGS TBC
- Lt. Kevin Breeman*
- Asst. Chief of Engineering*
- USS Victory*
Commentary
This sim is intended to mark a major change in the direction of Kevin Breeman as a character. The idea is to make him into something of an inspirational figure for real-world autistics. Since Star Trek never really addressed autism (though some might consider its so-called pinocchio characters to address it in a certain respect) I thought I would fill that gap just as the GLB community has done so for alternative sexualities.
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