SIM:Sinda: The Selfish Gene
Lt Sinda Essen - The Selfish Gene
(( Earth - New Orleans - Sisko's ))
KELLS: (to the rest of the party) Excuse me for interrupting. (to Sinda) Do you have a minute?
:: Ess took a couple of seconds to study the Terran before she replied. ::
SINDA: Sure.
:: They didn't move far before Kells turned to face her. Ess found, to her surprise, that she was nervous - this wasn't the same excited, fresh-faced science officer she'd known. But there was still a certain expression on his face, a determination, that was undeniably Aron Kells. ::
KELLS: I'd been meaning to search you out earlier. Not really to explain what happened, but to tell you in person. By this point, I'm sure you've heard it through the grapevine.
:: She looked up at him. ::
SINDA: I heard enough to know that I should be saluting you right now.
KELLS: There's nothing like a small ship. (beat) I'm not sure exactly what I wanted to say ... I supposed I was concerned more with the saying.
SINDA: Well, so far you've not done much in the way of saying... Sorry, Kells, it's not just you. I've been avoiding you, too, on the journey to Earth. Not easy to do on the Drake.
KELLS: You didn't have to. (beat) Why did you?
SINDA: I don't know, it's probably just selfish of me. ::she sighed and looked away into the throng of Drake crew having fun, although she didn't see them. She spoke without looking at Kells.:: I've never had many friends, not proper ones anyway. But when you asked for my help on Vulcan, that must have been difficult for you, and it meant a lot to me. And now... ::she turned back and fixed him with her black eyes:: ...Now I don't know who you are.
KELLS: (heavily) Believe it or not, you're not the first person to say that.
:: Ess gave a humourless smile ::
SINDA: Bajor was accepted into the Federation today, so I guess we'll be seeing a lot more Bajorans in Starfleet. And to think I joined in order to get away from them. I found out from a drunk in the street, but you knew before him, before me. It's just... odd to think that. What other events exist only in your memory I wonder?
KELLS: So (beat) you want me to tell you...?
SINDA: Don't worry, I remember the temporal prime directive. I can't even to begin imagine what it must feel like, to have all that knowledge of this place, of all of us, but not to be able to share any of it. ::she shook her head:: Like I said, I can't imagine, so I feel sorry for myself instead of feeling sorry for you.
KELLS: Well, you don't need to feel sorry for me. I'm coping well, I'm doing just fine....
:: Ess gave him a doubtful look. ::
SINDA: You've spoken to Danzia or Luna I assume?
KELLS: No, I haven't. I've been meaning to. I guess I just haven't (beat) had the time.
SINDA: No time? That has a certain irony.
KELLS: Listen. Please, do listen: I appreciate what you said -- the honesty. Because while I appreciate -- say, Will's response, or Solok's, or Pandora's, that I'm still the same person, that only the voice has changed -- it's not entirely true. I appreciate that you acknowledge that; but at the same time, they're right, too. It wasn't another man who went to Vulcan with you.
:: Ess nodded. ::
SINDA: I know, I know. But how far have you travelled? Six years? Eight? That's a long time for someone to change, a lot of life to miss out on, Kells. I'm not saying you're… ::she waved a hand vaguely:: …genetically different, I'm just saying time changes people.
KELLS: But I think I also knew why I sought you out: I can, and have, always counted on you to tell me the truth, with no holds barred. Ever since my first day on the Drake, when I scanned you. You remember, I know.
SINDA: ::she smiled:: How could I forget?
KELLS: And all I'm saying is that if we keep avoiding each other, I'm going to be a much less effective officer without someone to keep me on my toes. So, uh, think of the ship, and I think you'll see that it makes sense.
SINDA: Think of the ship? Really?
:: Ess put her fists on her hips as her dark eyes flashed. ::
SINDA: I'm not used to telling people how I feel, Kells, and all I get for opening up is "don't avoid me, think of the ship"?
KELLS: I just meant--
SINDA: Look, just forget I said anything.
KELLS: No, I'm sorry, I said it badly---
:: Ess ignored him, turning and pushing rudely past a couple of crewmen from Operations. She was suddenly aware of how unsteady she was on her feet, the evening's alcohol catching up with her. Ess had a sudden overwhelming urge to be away from here, away from time-travelling friends, away from drunken Federation Bajorans. She made it to the doors and onto the street finally finding her way to a public transporter and back to her hotel. ::
(( Hotel Bathroom - next morning ))
:: Ess pinched the bridge of her nose, feeling the ridges that jutted from her skin. Her head was throbbing and her throat was raw from spending the last hour in the bathroom - there were things she'd flushed down the toilet she was pretty sure she'd never eaten. Ever. ::
SINDA: You stupid, stupid idiot.
:: The night have been going well, it had been so much fun. And then she'd gone and made a fool of herself in front of Kells, probably really hurt his feelings, too. ::
SINDA: He must think you're a complete drunken mess, Essen.
:: She tried to stand up but found her legs were still too shaky. Instead she half crawled over to the bath and drank some water directly from the tap, trying hard not to retch it up again. It was like Risa again - two shoreleaves, two night of excessive drinking. She wondered, not for the first time, if she should seek some help. She was starting to fall into a pattern again, like she did at the Academy. She knew the damage alcohol could do, her mother was proof enough of that. Not that Ess blamed the woman - if anyone needed to forget the past it was Sinda Lo. ::
SINDA: Past...
:: The thought of time brought back the memory of her conversation with Kells. He'd been trying to explain how he felt, but she'd thrown it right back at him. Some friend she was. After a few more minutes, relatively assured she wasn't going to vomit across the floor, she crawled back into the bedroom and found her dress uniform and her communicator. ::
SINDA: =/\= Lieutenant Commander Kells. =/\=
KELLS: =/\= Do you have orange juice? =/\=
SINDA: =/\= It's Essen. Look... I was an idiot. I'm sorry. =/\=
KELLS: =/\= Oh - uh, that's okay. Actually, no, I'm sorry-- =/\=
SINDA: =/\= You don't need to apologise to me, Kells, nothing is your fault. It's just me. I promise I'll keep you on your toes when we get back to the Drake. =/\=
KELLS: =/\= Oh good. I'm glad you're keeping my toes. I mean, me on my toes. =/\=
SINDA: =/\= Good. =/\=
:: She paused for a long time, trying to get her words in order. She knew what she wanted to ask, but it felt like she was crossing an unspoken line. ::
SINDA: =/\= You said you appreciate the truth from me. There's a thousand things I want to know about the future, but I would never ask you, I'd never put that burden on you. But... =/\=
:: Ess thought of her mother back on Bajor, the night she'd left for the Academy. It was surprisingly how easy it was to get hold of Kanar on Bajor. ::
KELLS: =/\= Go on. =/\=
:: She took a deep breath. ::
SINDA: =/\= Nothing, I'm sorry, just ignore me. It's probably just the hangover talking. I'll see you back on the Drake, Commander. =/\=
KELLS: =/\= Wait-a, wait-a, wait-a ... if you want to ask me something, ask me! =/\=
SINDA: =/\= It wouldn't be fair on you, Kells. You wouldn't be allowed to give me an answer anyway. =/\=
KELLS: =/\= No, I'm serious -- I mean it! If you want to, it must be something pretty big, huh? =/\=
:: Ess paused again. She knew exactly what she wanted to ask, of course. She'd seen what drink could do to a person - her mother had been drinking herself into an early grave for a few years before Ess even left for Starfleet Academy, becoming a shrunken, bitter parody of the woman Ess had used to know. Ess hadn't spoken to her in almost two years now and could only imagine how bad her health had become. Was that Essen's future, too, if she couldn't stop this spiral? That's what she wanted to ask Kells, although she was afraid of the answer. ::
SINDA: =/\= Yeah... Pretty big. =/\=
KELLS: =/\= At least tell me what it's about? =/\=
SINDA: =/\= It's, er, family related. Personal stuff. Anyway, I'm heading back to Mars this afternoon, what about you? =/\=
KELLS: =/\= Well, yeah, later today, I haven't decided when exactly, I guess whenever I check out. If we meet up on the Drake, tell me you'll at least give me a clue. =/\=
SINDA: =/\= Alright, fine. But you can dodge Temporal Investigations if they show up. See you later,