SIM:T'Mar The Other Side of Me

Lt. Cmdr. T'Mar- The Other Side of Me (Frost, Faranster) ((Apollo Campsite- Planet Eridea)) ::Pain was something she could deal with. Physical pain anyways. But as the sedative wore off and her thoughts cleared, she kept thinking back to the mines. Once again she had proved to herself that she could not handle command decisions. Perhaps the Captain was wrong to promote her. She had left Sun behind on Quatal and she had tried to attack her for trying to protect her. Although she knew Frost was not a telepath, he seemed to read her mind at that moment. :: Frost: As for your sudden outburst, that's a little harder to explain. T’Mar: I have been contemplating that as well. Frost: If it's any comfort, it happens to us all. Even the most disciplined among us. ::T'Mar wanted to sit up and talk to the man, but recalling the bit about broken ribs and punctured lung, she opted to just turn and face him as best as she could. She had served with the Commander for over a year, yet had barely taken the time to truly get to know him. They had been through a lot on the ship, though and she trusted him.:: T’Mar: Commander.. ::She sighed, no longer wishing to appear cold to the man:: Liam.. The truth is, I know why I acted out, but I am ashamed of my actions. Frost: We all have things we're not proud of having done. It's something fairly universal. Whats more important is how you choose to deal with those feelings. ::She contemplated her answer. She could tell him her doubts, her fears, her pride.. but then what? Would he recommend she be demoted? Or perhaps she should no longer be chief? The truth was, she would deserve it. She had a simple mission and instead she put so many in danger.. she played it over and over again in her mind.:: T’Mar: How did you know you were ready for command? ::T'Mar knew she was risking offending him. Afterall, he had been the First Officer when she came aboard, but took over Intel when Lanius took over the XO role. Still, he was a full commander. He knew what it took to do the job. She could only hope that he knew she meant no offense. Still she made it a point to block out any emotions he may have felt when he thought about her question:: Frost: Honestly, T'Mar, I didn't. I was handed an opportunity, and my choices were simply to take it or not take it. T’Mar: I seem to have developed a.. knack for getting myself and others into trouble. In the mine, I was.. angry with myself for putting others into danger. ::The truth was, this was not the first time she had lost control of her emotions after a mission. On Quatal Minor, she had been chastised for her lack of emotions guiding her decisions. Since then she had worked to understand her own emotions as well as those she sensed from others. It seemed this time she was chastising herself for her lack of logic in her decision making and she lost control of her feelings when she realized the gravity of the situation....:: ((Flashback- 238904.09- Bolani's Quarters)) T’Mar: I was hoping you could help me suppress what I am sensing. It does not work when I try. I have never experienced this before. ::She complied with his request to sit, although she wanted to pace back and forth:: Bolani: What is the harder part to deal with? You mentioned the wrath you feel, and then the feelings it causes you to feel. Which is worse? T’Mar: It is hard to distinguish. They are so intertwined. I believe the wrath is worse. It was at me. At ME! I sense the wrath and the feeling comes back. It’s cyclical. Bolani: There is quite a bit that you are looking at right now. On one hand, you were able to sense the anger from whoever “he” is, and at the same time it has caused you to have your own feelings. You have completely lost your center, and therefore your control. ::What he said made sense. It was like when she first beamed aboard.. So much had happened and the lack of meditation had caused her to lose focus. With the constant sensing of the wrath, it was throwing off her entire mental workings. T’Mar watched as Zage closed his eyes. How nice it was to have someone to trust. She had not known him long, but he was so willing to help her.:: T’Mar: I have tried to suppress my emotions, but it has failed. Where do I begin? ::It seemed ironic that a Vulcan would ask a Betazoid how to regain her mental control, but here she was..:: Bolani: The first step is to suppress the outside emotions that are influencing your own. You cannot suppress yours until there is no outside interference. T’Mar: But how?! ::Her frustration rose to the surface. She wanted this gone. She wanted to be in control again. And she wanted to no longer care what others thought of her decision...:: Bolani: Focus on me, and close your eyes.  ::pausing as she complied:: Now, take a few deep breaths. ::T’Mar closed her eyes and focused on Bolani. She began taking slow, deep breaths when the suddenly sounds of a waterfall entered the room. It almost startled her, which only confirmed how rattled she was. She tried to focus on the calm that Zage was exuding.:: T’Mar: Now what do I do? Bolani: Slowly the negative feelings will dissipate. What are you feeling right now? ::She thought about it. It should be a simple question, but every time it was asked it seemed so loaded.:: T’Mar: I still feel the wrath towards me. And I feel.. hurt and.. guilt. Conflicted. Bolani: What led to those feelings? T’Mar: I made a decision. It was the logical choice, but it seems it was not the ethically right choice. It never occurred to me to make a choice based on ethics not logic. The conflict is whether a logical mind set is the right mind set. I feel I have made enemies out of crewmates and that is causing.. guilt. ::It was hard for her to say it out loud. She did not mention that she felt guilty for not keeping her calm and losing control of her emotions for the second time today.:: Bolani: Ah...you find yourself caught between two boulders. ::T’Mar kept her focus on him as he spoke. There was something about being around Zage that was calming in itself, which under normal circumstances she would resist, but this was not a normal circumstance.:: T’Mar: Even if they determine I was not wrong, how do I make peace with the anger and betrayal that my decision caused towards myself? Bolani: One day at a time. But, the good news is that you are not alone. Sure, it is rare for you to feel it but can you imagine what it feels like to make those choices on a day to day basis? Can you imagine how anyone on the senior staff can give an order and truly deal with it. It is not easy and something you have not had practice with. ((End flashback)) Frost: I think that's a very normal way to feel. Anyone who tells you that they've never had a feeling of guilt or regret about something they've done is either lying or hasn't really lived. T’Mar: It is not normal behavior for Vulcans, yet this is not the first time I have experienced it. ::She wasn't sure why she was opening up so much to the man. Thusfar the only person she ever had fully opened up to was Zage.. Sun was the closest thing she had to a real friend and she still contained her emotions around her.:: Frost: If I understand Vulcans, you still have emotions. You simply work to suppress them. The rest of us don't have that luxury. So the measure of a person is not how they feel, but how they choose to act on those feelings that determines what kind of person they are. ::T'Mar nearly let out a laugh when she thought about how she chose to act on her feelings, instead the tiniest inkling of a smile appeared on her face, although it was so small that she was not certain if he would notice.. which was fine by her. If there was truth in his words, then she measured poorly in the mines.. although dealing with the pain probably did not help her cause.:: T’Mar: I suppose attempting to knock out your First Officer and resisting treatment is not the best way to act upon those feelings. Frost: Some ways are definitely healthier than others. :: T'Mar had yet to figure out a way to deal with her emotions that did not involve her running to Zage for help. And perhaps that was the problem. She cared deeply for him, but she had to learn how to deal with her feelings without help, especially from him. Sooner or later it would put a strain on the relationship. And while she was seeking counsel from Frost, this time it was different. She was not asking for a quick fix. And she was not sleeping with him.:: T’Mar: With the exception of completely suppressing my feelings, I am uncertain what to do. What is the best way to deal with them? Frost: Unfortunately I can;t answer that. Each person deals with their feelings differently. That said, I'm happy to help if I can. ::T'Mar was grateful that he not only listened to her words, but also wished to help if possible. It was a nice feeling to know that she had not made enemies among the senior staff like what had happened between her and Lanius. Despite apologies being exchanged, nothing had ever been the same between them after that day and she was not sure if they ever would be. The emotional encounter was so complex that it was hard to say if there was a way to fix things. Still, at least she knew she had Liam. Sooner or later she would know if she still had a friend in Sun. Her pride was not so bad that she could not apologize for her actions. What she had done was unjust and Sun had gone down into a dangerous situation just to help her.:: T’Mar: Thank you, Liam. It.. means a lot to me. Frost: tag T’Mar: Although you are not a doctor, I trust you will keep this conversation confidential? ::It was less about trust and more about making a joke of sorts. Somewhere along the line, T'Mar had begun learning the habit of making a serious situation more light hearted by attempting humor. She was getting better at it, but often she found she confused others because they did not think he capable of such a thing.:: Frost: Tag T’Mar: Indeed, however I have a mentor who is teaching me about things like humor and fun. Frost: Tag ::Her thoughts drifted back to Zage as they so often did. She briefly wondered what he was up to on the ship.:: (OOC- you can keep this going. I just promised a certain bright-haired, non-sandwich-making officer that I would address these tags for the next day) ((Time skip- the next morning)) ::T'Mar woke up the next morning with a greater sense of calm. She had meditated for quite a long time as she had rested a lot from the sedative. Her pain levels were also not even note worthy as it was simple to suppress and she was eager to get out of her bed and back to work. Nobody was in there when she awoke, but she saw what appeared to be a perfect walking stick nearby so she carefully stood and used it to balance her out. The last thing she needed was Jalana yelling at her for over using her leg or hurting her ribs more. As she left the tent she saw the sun was up and many of the away team were already up and about. Sun's hair stuck out like a sore thumb, but apparently so did T'Mar because Sun approached her.:: Faranster: :: As she approached T'Mar. :: Nice to see you up and about, T'Mar. T’Mar: Thank you, my friend. I wish to apologize for my actions yesterday. :: She never claimed to be good at apologies and with the emotional day she had yesterday, she decided that straight to the point was the safer option. What she said was true, despite her lack of fluff. :: Faranster: It's not a big deal, all that matters, is that you are alright now. T’Mar: I must disagree. Not only did I put my team in danger, I put you and others in danger and proceeded to fight you when confronted with the truth of the situation. My actions were unacceptable and I will take whatever punishment you and the Captain deem necessary. Faranster: Tag ::T'Mar looked at her "flower-haired" friend. They were quite the odd pair to naked eye, yet they were far more similar than either would probably ever admit. She felt a surge of relief to know that Sun did not hate her for what she had done.:: T’Mar: Understood. I was going to grab a ration as healing my injuries has used more energy than I normally do. I am ready to return to duty, although you would have to speak to Commander Laxyn to find out if it is approved. Faranster: Tag ::The last time she was at the beach, terrorists had interrupted her relaxation. Surely the odds of that happening again were slim to none. Probability was on their side:: T’Mar: May I join you? Faranster: Tag TAG/TBC Lieutenant Commander T'Mar Chief of Security USS Apollo